My partner F27 and me M29 keep falling out

Me and my partner have been in a relationship for 5 years now, we live together and have a 3 year old dog.

When we first met my partner had her own problems especially around her family as they were abusive and as a result we moved in relatively quickly within 3 months of meeting in person. At that time we had a really strong connection and got on extremely well.

As of a year in, my partner started to dislike my family as they would give suggestions to help her find a job such as wearing certain clothing. My brother told me privately to be wary as we don’t really know her and she had moved into the family home. Since then my partner has warmed to my parents but not to my brother which is okay.

I also went through a lot of childhood trauma of a different kind and am also likely neurodiverse and as a result I will admit I haven’t handled arguments very well and I can struggle a bit to be as understanding as my partner may want.

Coming on to the last couple of months we’ve had massive fallouts. My brother had said some things to my partner that she didn’t like and she told me a few days later and I spoke to him about it and told him it’s not on, I believe it was bad banter as my partner had asked him if she was fat and he said yes, note my partner isn’t fat. This led to my brother saying to me in private that he wasn’t keen on her cause he feels she causes me a lot of stress. My partner also doesn’t like my brother.

After I spoke with my brother we agreed he wouldn’t come round and that I’d keep them away from each other but my other half kept having a go at me as my brother didn’t apologies, to which extent I asked her what I should do as I can’t force him to do anything best case is they stay apart.

My partner behind my brother’s back has been saying horrible things about him which I’ve made clear that I want to stop as I care about him as I do her. Recently I asked my brother to look after our dog and he was reluctant which is understandable and he said why does she need looking after when we’re only going to be out a few hours? My partner read this and said his was making a dig at her without actually saying her name, she believes this because it’s always her who wants our dog looking after. I didn’t see it in that way and told her I disagreed and it let to another argument.

My partner doesn’t really have anyone other than me cause she cut her family off and she’s recently been going to AI for everything and AI being AI is constantly agreeing and enabling her thoughts even if they’re not always correct, she does this all the time when we fall out.

Most of our arguments are around family cause she has a different view due to her past. This last few weeks I’m reaching breaking point with it it feels like this is becoming a deal breaker, even though she doesn’t see them she still brings stuff up and I’ve told her she needs to move on.

I’m at a loss and I don’t know what to do anymore? I’m getting counselling for my past as well as my way of handling things being Neurodiverse. I’m extremely stressed with work and these constant arguments that I’m snapping a lot and no longer handling these arguments well. I’ve suggested counselling to her for her own past and have told her she needs to stop seeking reassurance from AI as that only makes our arguments worse. She says she isn’t ready for counselling about her past and she hasn’t always had good experiences with counselling.

I love her but I really aren’t sure what to do anymore as all this is driving me up the wall. How can I best support my partner and restore our relationship?