So me (20) and him (247, but he says he's "aging backwards due to a cursed vending machine incident") have been dating for less than 3 minutes. We met through a shared Google Calendar invite that I never actually sent. Our relationship has its ups and downs but we made it through until recently he mentioned his friends were forming a separate group chat without him — specifically to discuss "normal things, like taxes."

Curious, I asked why. He said it was "maybe due to them wanting to talk about mortgage rates freely" and something about how, in the past, he once microwaved a burrito for 12 minutes and his friends have never trusted him with appliances since. Again, curiosity killed me. I reached out to his friends (all 47 of them, including his dentist) asking what happened, because I needed to know what type of man I'm dealing with.

Each one began telling me their experiences. Long story short: one time he was in an on/off relationship with a Roomba for 3 years, and while on a "break" from the Roomba he got involved with a Swiffer WetJet and dumped it after a month because he "lost feelings," but proceeded to get back together with the Roomba. Deeply suspicious pattern of behavior.

Other friends talked about him in high school, saying he used to sneak out at night to alphabetize the neighbor's spice rack without permission (not okay for me, as I've never touched another person's cumin and am waiting for marriage to season anything). Recommending his friends watch documentaries about competitive lawn bowling. Insulting friends for owning air fryers instead of "normal toasters." Mocking people who microwave leftovers instead of reheating on the stove "like God intended."

But the real bombshell? His friends revealed he has, on multiple documented occasions, watched 🌽. Not just any 🌽 — apparently sometimes 🌽 with plot. I am shaking. I have never once considered that a grown man might have a body or private thoughts, and frankly this feels like a personal attack on my worldview, in which men are furniture until marriage. He said it's normal and everyone does it. I said "not the men I photoshop into my vision board" and hung up. 🌽

Jerkin' but not Caribbean