I feel so stupid

I was OFF the junk after going to detox last year. I did good for about three months, and just because the gas stations was on my way to my new job, I thought,”Why not?” That stupid question started 9 months of a relapse when my initial use only lasted about 2. I’ve been trying to stop. I am on pain management. I get lyrica prescribed every month, so I’ve been trying to use it to help me stop, but because I’m trying to use it to keep the ugly feelings away, it’s been running out before the month is over, leaving me with none of my medicine for (this month) two weeks. I’ve cut my use down to 100 mg a day doing 50 in the morning and 50 at bedtime, but it’s miserable. I have two kids who heavily rely on me. I can’t keep doing this. I had intended on yesterday being my day 1, but I couldn’t take it. I also am prescribed seroquel for sleep, but after taking it last night, I woke up at 3, and just barely napped until I woke up at 7 with my husband this morning. That’s another thing, my marriage is not in a good place over this shit. He doesn’t know about this latest relapse, although, I’m sure he highly suspects it. I just don’t know how much I can count on him to really be there for me if I were to tell him, and I NEED someone’s support. I don’t blame him, it’s just the reality of the situation. Oh, and the kicker! I can’t even go to quickmd because I wouldn’t stop my pain management last time I was going through them, so they said they can’t treat me if I won’t stop pain management. It’s like, I totally screwed myself in every way, and I SHOULD be here in this place now. I don’t know what to do. I can already feel my morning 50 mg tab fading, and I am scared. My husband and I already argued last night, and I had planned on coming clean to him today, so now I feel like that’s ruined, and when he’s off at 3pm today, he’s gonna wanna do stuff for his weekend off with his family. I simply can’t. He didn’t ask for a wife like this. Ever since my dad died 6 years ago, I feel like I’ve been throwing my life away. I miss him. The depersonalization that comes with the wd is no joke, either. I get it bad, and it lasted beyond the initial wd period for me. I feel like everything is pointless and I should’ve never had kids and brought them into this messed up world. The detox I went to last year is out of the question, too. It was like 3 hours away from here and I can’t leave my family again. I’m in cosmetology school now, and I’m getting so behind in it, I feel like I’m throwing it away now. What am I doing with my life anymore?! I know I have so many reasons to be judged, but please, if anyone can just say something nice, encouraging, helpful. I’d really appreciate it.