When does it get better? I want to feel understood

24f, I just want to feel understood, and I want to understand. The older I get the more layered and complex life gets for me.

I’ve graduated college with honors, paid off my car early, went down an entire different career path and found success in it. I’m passionate in my job, it brings me peace, I’m booked and busy, I make at least 10k a month, won awards and have been recognized by higher people in my field. I genuinely feel as if my craft saved my life. I spend so much of my time and life working because it is the one thing that brings me joy, and it’s given me a stable life. I have a loving family, I have a beautiful high rise apartment, and my own studio where I create that is all mine. I buy everything I want to fill a void and I’m just stuck with material belongings and immense dread and loneliness. Alone.

Instead of living, I am distracting myself with achievements and work. I’ve always been a black sheep to my family, and they never struggled with mental health but I always have since I was younger. I’ve always had this overwhelming void in my chest and mind that never truly goes away. I’ve listened to so many video essays, podcasts, read so many self help books, journaled, therapy, and yet it never gets better.

I feel as though I am always the one to help others, yet always the one abandoned. I strive to be a kind soul, to be a light in people’s lives, inspire, and overall just be a good human. I have morality and integrity, I try to embody love and empathy, and my job is extremely gratifying whenever I make people feel better about themselves. However, I am masking. Outside of work, I struggle with intimacy and feeling understood. I took a risk to moving to a big city alone with no help. I love my parents; they are great humans with moral compasses however they are not financially free, nor believe in depression and sympathize with my mental health issues. I write off my dark thoughts as a joke to them mostly. I’ve developed a sense of hyper-independence with my finances and intimacy because I’ve never had help. I can’t ask for help. I’m just tired of having to be and expected to be strong. I built the dream life I wanted by myself. I never needed anybody because nobody ever came to save me at rock bottom and I save everybody I can. Nobody gets me. I had to survive, and Ive had ideations because of my void of being alone, but I dont want to be alone at the end nor hurt anybody.

I struggle with community, with building solid friendships, as I am extremely choosey and find myself preferring to be at home. I want to be alone, however, I have this strong sense of loneliness. Everybody in my family are in happy, committed, healthy relationships with social circles. My intimate void is not in familial love but in platonic and romantic love.

Every relationship I’ve been in has been toxic and unbalanced. I’ve never not been cheated on, and I keep a good heart. After my last break up 2 years ago, I’ve built walls up so so high to the point where I sabotage every relationship I try to find myself in. Anybody who shows me healthy, stable love I push away and anybody who I have to beg for their approval I find myself wanting to prove I’m enough. I just feel like a little child who just wants to be praised for a silly little drawing.

I built my walls up so high I can’t get out. On the outside it looks great but inside I’m crying for help. What do I do?