Friendship breakups

I just lost my best friend,wrong wording but true. To this person we were only friends because she felt bad for me because im lonley. I never had friends before so I never felt this feeling before. And I hate it. I hate this. I hate me. I feel so empty. I cant stop crying. Cold spoons ofc dont work for my puffy eyes and im trying my best to avoid things that remind me of her so I can avoid that she was ever my bestfriend. Its easier pretending that we were never best friends because it hurts more knowing that u had something and now its gone.