Old TF connection rekindled

Hi everyone, I'm new to the TF community. I have been led here by an Insta post on my FY page about TF that applied so much to a past connection that I did some deep dive research in the TF world.

Seeing these posts, I felt I had finally found my people because I relate so much to people here.

Me and my 'tf' have been no contact for almost 10 years. We never really had a relationship since it just was not right due to age gap, marital status, and our workplace relationship. It was rough when we separated but for the most part of 10 years, I would revisit memories occasionally but mostly the longing was dormant.

It's only this year, another event with someone else triggered some old wounds and I became obsessed with finding the 'truth' about what my relationship with the TF actually was.

Idk if it's all the posts I read but I started feeling like I could feel him also thinking about me. For the past week, I could sense his energy pulling me towards him. About midweek at work, I looked outside my window and saw a pair of butterflies chasing each other and my stomach flipped. They reminded me of him chasing me all those years ago and me being scared and running away. Later in the day, a butterfly landed on the window right beside me at work and stayed there for close to 1hr. That had never happened before. Then I went home on the same day and there was a butterfly on my front door. It stayed there all night.

That same night, I go to bed but I'm woken up by my house alarm going off because of low battery. I turn it off and turn over and try to go back to sleep but when I shut my eyes I'm in a middle of s*x fantasy with the TF. It's like a daydream and I'm mid s*x with him, straddling him (not usually a position I would be in my own fantasies). Also unlike my usual fantasies, it's like I don't have full control of the daydream. Its like I can't control what I'm doing in my own daydream. I'm on top and then I'm giving him a bj and then he's behind me. When I tell you, I could literally feel like there was someone inside me, it was insane, so lifelike. I m*sterbated and came and went back to bed.

Next day I was freaked out. The butterfly was still outside my door. I decided to stop read posts from here, I thought I was going absolutely mental. So, I distracted myself and forced myself to be super social, touch grass so to speak. My mind would still wander but for the most part, I was trying to be in the moment in reality.

The next day I woke up and instinctively tried to feel out the connection but it was blocked. This is also very much the dynamic me and TF had. Any hint of rejection/detachment from me and he would ice me out. Either that or I really was going crazy for a moment there.

I guess a small part of me is hoping for some kind of answers from him. I'm not sure if I want 'reunion' as it would upheave my life which I like very much at the moment. I have this life now somewhat because he was a catalyst for change all those years ago. He gave me no choice but to be brave since I was trying to run so far from him and our situation.

I thought I was mostly over him so this current funk surprises me.

Has anyone experienced a TF connection that you thought you had put behind you but now is coming back in your mind constantly? What do you think was the cause of this? And how did you find peace again?