How do I return to joy?

It's been four months since I recognized I had PTSD and began the journey of healing. I have practical and relational safety. I have a trusted therapist. I've made massive inroads.

But I've come to a new threshold I don't know how to cross.

Whenever I try to do something I know will bring me joy, the moment it does, I am emotionally flooded. I'm immediately in flashback.

The character of these flashbacks have themes.

Sometimes I feel I have not earned the joy I am experiencing, and am flooded with guilt. My critic tells me I should work more before doing the thing. I know it doesn't matter how much I work, the critic will say this.

Sometimes I feel the other shoe is about to drop. As I'm doing the thing that will bring me joy, I fear I will be perceived doing the thing by someone and they will attempt to take the joy from me. I cannot reasonably explain why or how this would happen, but my nervous system protects me anyways.

But most often I feel a crushing sense of loneliness. I desperately want to share this joy with someone close to me (specifically my ex boyfriend), but either I have no-one near, or feel they are pretending to enjoy my presence out of pity or politeness. This sucks the joy out of what I am doing and I experience derealization — like im just going through the motions — watching myself perform joy while not actually experiencing it. I become triggered and want to flee from the moment.

I'm at a point in my life where I have these things I can reliably do to maintain self respect. I run, I work out, I box 3x a week, I eat well, I build my business. These practices do a lot to shrink my inner critic, grow my window of tolerance, but I take absolutely no joy from them.

I know the next step for me is self-compassion, but I don't know how to get there in a way that feels real. I have established self-respect, but self-love remains elusive. I don't know how to do give myself anything good without feeling overwhelming shame.

Does this experience resonate with anybody? Has anybody made it over this threshold? I feel like maybe this experience is a signal that I'm on the path — but I just can't see the way and it's got me distressed. I would appreciate any constructive advice or perspective you can offer.