I just need answers

Hi. I joined just to ask about something I’ve been thinking about for a really long time. I’ve been wondering if I could have been SA’d as a child even though I have absolutely no memory of it, because I’ve had these symptoms since I was very small child. I feel really ashamed talking about this and writing these thoughts and details down here, but I hope someone understands and that someone with a bit more knowledge might be able to shed some light on things.

I was very hypersexual as a child.

When I was around five or six years old, I was playing alone in the yard and started rubbing myself against those ride-on toy cars you push with your feet. I would sit on them and do that sort of to humiliate myself by rubbing against them. I feel ashamed and sick to my stomach just writing about this, but I can't really explain it any better. I was also constantly exploring and touching myself down there. I had a toy toolbox that contained a so-called "pump" that I used to do questionable things. I was maybe six years old.
I also spent hours touching around in. there.

I used to pee the bed a lot at night, and when I was really little, I had some kind of obsession with peeing I’d even watch things about it on Google. Oh fuck it makes me anxious to write this because I’m afraid I sound totally crazy. And the way i was so small child. I also frequently had dreams where I’d just pee on the floor and do nothing about it. And I often dreamt that I was undergoing some kind of procedure down there.
I started watching porn when I was around 7, 8, or 10 years old and got hooked on it. I had a compulsive need to masturbate multiple times almost every day.

But this concern has surfaced recently now, because I am a 19-year-old woman now, and for several years now, I have experienced sudden, nauseating, and repulsive feelings of revulsion and anxiety lasting just a few seconds, it feels like i want to escape my own body amidst an overwhelming sense of disgust. The episode lasts a maximum of 20 seconds or slightly longer and passes just as quickly as it arrives. I simply freeze in place and wait for the feeling to fade. It feels like a trauma-related memory of something I don't recognize or recall.

I usually notice it happening when I’m in close proximity to people in the same room. The first few times, it happened while I was having a sleepover with two friends or visiting a friend’s place. It would just come over me, a horrible sensation of being *too* close to another person, with no sexual or other underlying motive. It’s really hard to explain; suddenly, the presence of a close friend felt unpleasant and "too close" it felt disgustung, and I just wanted to get away quickly and be alone. The feeling would pass after a few seconds.

It still happens these days. Often, when I’m spending time with a friend, walking through a local shop, it hits me again. For ten seconds, I feel a freezing, sickening revulsion; I want to tear myself out of my physical body because it has been overcome by such a shockingly nauseating, repulsive sensation. It’s as if I were ashamed of myself and of being a sexual being, even though there isn’t anything sexual going on at all. You could liken the feeling to nausea, but it isn’t actual physical sickness; rather, it’s a sensation that permeates both your body and your mind.

It happened again this year while I was at my paternal grandmother’s place with my father, getting their house ready for some family summer ”party”. We were in the kitchen, my grandfather, my father, and I. I was wearing leggings and a T-shirt that ties at the back; when you tighten it, it hugs your body. I was tightening the shirt at the back when it hit me again. As I felt the shirt pull tight around my waist, I was overcome by a shocking, sickening sense of anxiety and disgust in my body and in my mind. Perhaps I was repulsed by the thought of being feminine, unlike the others in the room—the men. Once again, I froze, wanting to tear myself out of my own body. I am so tired of these sudden episodes. I don’t even know what causes them. I don’t understand why I was so hypersexual as a child and why these bouts of anxiety persist. I want answers; I want to know. But how?