I thought I would be better

I have been disordered for years now for some backstory, I got bullied very badly for my appearance in 6th grade, it was physical and verbal bullying from pretty much everyone, my family also played a part in making fun of my body and even touching my rolls, i was suddenly hyper aware of my weight, and I developed suicidal ideations, clinical depression, generalized anxiety, ptsd, and well the disordered eating followed.

I started looking for ways to lose weight and fast, and I started a cycle of binging, purging and restricting. I lost the weight but it wasn’t enough for me.

it was a endless cycle even through high-school, and now I have just graduated highschool and I thought by now i would be better and I would have been proud of my body, more confident, but it truly only has gotten worse with additional stress to my life, I am just now barely getting medicated for my anxiety and depression, I feel like wasted potential, all these illnesses have robbed years of my life from me and stolen opportunities, It soo badly hurts I am still suffering years later, I am possibly at my lowest right now, and I have nobody to turn to or to talk to about these problems.

I find myself consuming the same unhealthy media I did when I was younger, and I started restricting again, and I cant exactly figure out why its soo comforting to me, the control It provides, seeing physical changes, and this feeling that if my body finally shows it i will show everyone I am in desperate need of help

I am soo disappointed in myself, but I feel like this battle will never end.