Is my girlfriend of 4 1/2 years actually straight?

My partner (26 Pansexual Female) and I (28 Lesbian Female) met almost 5 years ago at a gay club. Since the first day I met her I knew I wanted to spend every day with her because she was so much fun and such good energy and she made me feel so cared for in the short time we had gotten to know each other. Fast forward a couple months and I find out for the first time that my gf has a much lower libido then I do. We were shopping at Walmart when she jokingly picks up some libido pills and tells me she should buy it (to keep up with me). I was shocked to hear this because we had only been together a couple months and to me I always thought that would be the honey moon phase for sex where you fuck like rabbits. But for us we were really only having sex once or twice a week after clubbing.

Fast forward to now 4 1/2 years later, truly the only thing my gf and I fight about is sex. I never feel desired or feel like I’m getting enough and she never feels like she’s giving me enough. She would be happy with sex once a week (but I think she’s lying when she says that to make me happy), whereas I would love sex sporadically throughout the week. We have very different views on sex ; by this I mean I want sex when I’m happy, angry, upset, any time really but especially after a bad day. My gf on the other hand only wants sex at the exact right moment (she can’t be too tired, has to have showered, and can’t be distracted by something).

Everything outside of sex in our relationship is literally PERFECT she’s the most supportive and amazing partner and even helped me get through my mom’s stroke when she almost died. She has gone above and beyond as a partner and we enjoy all the same things and are truly best friends. I’ve never felt such a strong emotional connection to someone and I’ve never wanted to spend every moment with someone. We do everything together and that’s how we prefer it. She’s also my exact type and I’m INSANELY attracted to her and still get horny looking at her like I did 5 years ago. So why is it that sex is so akward and hard for us ?

Now to get to why I Titled this the way that I did: I recently found out that a couple years before meeting me , my partner had slept with 40+ men. The only time she had ever “slept” with a girl is when it was her best friends just having fun when drunk / high. My girlfriend has also only ever dated men , I’m the first girl she’s ever dated and also her longest relationship she’s had. Another thing I want to mention that has been a HUGEEEEE problem for us is that my girlfriend is OBSESSED with dark hetero smut books. When I say obsessed she’s literally read probably every single one that exists out there. I had begged her to try reading queer ones since she is in fact in a relationship with a female but she told me there’s no selection for that and after all this time of me begging she only ever ended up reading one wlw smut book and then went straight back to fantasizing about dark dominating men. I also want to mention that I’m lesbian and MAJORLY struggle with gender dysphoria am I’m in the process of trying to get top surgery. So to me it’s disrespectful in the first place that she reads this stuff right in front of me knowing that it makes me hate myself even more since I’m not male. She claims she likes the plot of the stories but plenty of books out there have great plots without all the sex scenes. She also claims she likes that the person is dominant not that they’re male but to me that’s not the case if all you ever read is hetero smut.

Continuing on: I’m in the therapy and have a psychiatrist so I’m doing everything I can to make sure my head is straight since she’s convinced me I’m controlling and insecure for letting her pansexuality and books get to me. I also just got diagnosed with ADHD this year and so did she. I also now suspect I may have Border Line Personality Disorder since I’m almost positive my dad has it so yeah Idk I guess I want to make this post to see if I’m crazy and insecure or is it fair for me to question my partners desire towards Me?

I also want to mention she claims she had such a high sex drive before because she was undiagnosed bipolar but once she got on meds it way slowed down her drive and now she doesn’t really think about sex as all that important (which doesn’t make sense to me since all she reads about is sex)? Is our relationship doomed or is there fixing this ? I know she’s mentioned she’d like me to bring more bdsm into the bedroom but I already really struggle being dominating in the first place and being the one always initiating because it’s just not really my personality (which has led me to have to drink alcohol every time before we have sex so that I can have the confidence to dominate her). I like the idea of BDSM but it’s hard for me to have the confidence after everything that’s happened to us involving fights about sex. I also read that BDSM can actually help people with ADHD enjoy sex more so I’m hoping this can somehow be our fix if I can get past my fears of leading in the bedroom.

I love this girl and we moved states together and just rented a townhouse together (we already lived together for 3 years before this) and we have 4 pets together and she is truly my best friend , I’m at such a loss of what to do since this fight happens almost every month now :( I also wanted to add in we almost broke up a year ago when I came home after a long day at work to her phone flashing up on the bed and a text to her best friend reads “I just read the hottest book of my life and now I want two men to dominate me at the same time”. This ofc made me feel like complete sht considering I’ve told her countless times I’m insecure about being a girl especially since I’m the first one she’s been with and now I see this text to her friend.

I also wanted to add one more edit: I did let myself go for a bit and gained some happy weight and didn’t feel great about myself. I’ve now been back in the gym for a while and love my body again and feel hot , strong, and confident. So I know it’s not fully my own body insecurities anymore (aside from my chest/ which I do wear a shirt during sex and I refuse to let my partner see me fully naked).

Sorry one more edit lol: I also want to mention that (tmi) but she squirts every time we have sex and she told me I’m the first person to give her a orgasm by head , for some reason I still have insecurities though