I can’t do this anymore

I can’t do this anymore

I tried talking with family about it, kinda I guess. I feel like no matter what I say I’m just gonna get told that I’m a teenager and you’ll realize how crazy you’re being or some shit like that.

But it’s so hard, my family thinks committing suicide is one of the most selfish things you can do and it probably is or something, I just remember they were mad when an extended family member attempted (they’re fine). So I can’t really talk to them about this because they’ll just be mad at me and call me crazy and if I get therapy they’ll just tell my family.

Last year my friend died, and almost exactly a year later within the same week I had a family member who was literally the most least deserving person to die of a terminal illness.

I haven’t really been crying about it or anything, I just get some moments where it all comes waving down on me and I can’t talk to anyone because either they can’t help or they’ll tell everyone.

I can’t explain it but I never so desperately wanted to just give up and just go, I’m too much of a coward to do it of course but I’m scared because eventually that tipping point will happen.

I can’t find anyone to exactly like love Idk, everyone else is in fucking loving relationships and shit and the only person who really matched my personality and likes actually has a fucking girlfriend, like why the fuck are you talking to me about shit like this when you have a fucking girlfriend. I tried kinda talking with family on this one but they’re saying “just don’t look for it” “You’ll find it in college”

I don’t even know if I’ll be here by then, like really, I hear typing this and hitting the back of my head against furniture corners, idk why people expect me to actually be fucking mentally well kept.

It really hurts because I want someone to care, and I can’t ask for help because then they’ll never think of me the same.

I don’t know where these thoughts started, I really don’t. Even throughout middle school where listening to depressing music is a canon event I didn’t crave not being here as much as I fucking do now.

My first two years of highschool where the school plays a suicidal awareness video, I thought it was dumb cringey shit but the start of last year for my junior year I almost cried in front of the whole class, that first quarter and a half of the school year, every day I was just thinking about how I could just do it, and I was too cowardice for all of them.

Really the only one I could probably think of would be jumping, but there’s nowhere near me where I can, the place I thought of originally the water is way too high.

When I realized, I was out to eat with family and the weather was nice and all I could do was lean against the fence and stare at the place ahead and how high up the water was. I didn’t feel happy but I didn’t feel sad either.

I don’t really know what to do now, I’ll probably be fine in the morning but I had to just rant even if this doesn’t post, hopefully my mental health will let me see the new spider man beyond movie, but I’m not sure it’ll matter in the end anyways.

I just want to see them again and apologize