Loneliness is hitting me extremely hard rn and all I want to do is cry

I spent all my school life being seen as the weird kid and was bullied for years as a result. Never fit in, never managed to find a place where I belonged. People treated me like I'm not even human.

Developed anxiety and depression as a result of a combination of family problems and constant bullying. Never knew what it's like to be seen, unless negatively; never knew what a healthy friendship feels like, hell I'm not in touch with a SINGLE person from my school or childhood in general. Never had a lasting friendship. Don't know what it feels like. I'm isolated and I like to tell myself that I'd rather be alone but it's actually so fuckijg lonely.

Before joining college I was very sure it'd be different-- no one bullies people in adulthood (or so I'd assumed). No one makes people feel like they're worthless just because they don't fit in (or so I'd assumed). No one singles people out intentionally and in a petty way (or so I'd assumed). No one has enough time to go out of their way to make someone else feel small (or so I'd assumed).

I thought once I got here I'd make friends, I'd find people who would see me as a human being instead of trash (at worst) and a means to an end (at best). I thought I'd find "my" people, if that makes sense; I thought I'd belong and fit in and finally know that there's a place for me among people in this word too-- NONE of this happened.

I came back to college after a 2-month vacation today. On Monday my fourth and final year starts and things are exactly like they were 10 years ago: I am isolated, with no one to call a friend (I had ONE friend here who stopped talking to me a few weeks ago after I politely reminded her to pay me some money she owed and forgot about).

I have skipped all college events in the past 3 years. Haven't been to a single party. I have no one I can count on, no one who would notice if I disappeared because I'm still invisible (at best) and considered weird or even worthless (at worst). I got bullied here in college too, except I couldn't even call it out because it was so much more subtle and stealthy. I sit in the mess alone, I go outside alone, I sit in class alone. I feel like a small child surrounded by people who, even though it hurts my pride to admit this, make me feel scared and emotionally unsafe. Everyone seems to feel at home and is so comfortable with each other and with the campus, but I'm constantly on guard / alert / unrelaxed.

I really thought things would look up after school but they didn't and it seems this is what my life is meant to be like. On top of that I'm an only child and not even close to any extended family.

For 2 months I forgot this is the state of my life. My wonderful mother and father love me so much and never let me feel this way. I felt so happy and light at home. And one day when they're gone I'll have no one left.

I know I sound so fucking whiny and childish and maybe it's unhealthy to seek external validation even a little bit but, I'm only human and literally everyone longs for validation and the feeling of being seen to some degree, I wish I got to feel it too.

I just want to cry now.

TL;DR: I'm back to my college for my final year and feeling a very shitty mix of homesickness and loneliness with not a single person here that feels warm.