I just want my friends to cut me off

I’m sick of feeling so inferior to them, so dependant on their unexplainable kindness for anything while I can’t be honest with them or pay them back in any way. I just wish they would tell me they don’t like me and I could be at peace. But I have to keep being strung along with them for some reason. Why do they want me to be with them? I don’t fucking understand what I do for them. I seriously just want to be alone, or have some friends I can be myself around. I hate that I don’t know what they expect from me or what they think of me. I just want them to be honest and leave me