30 years, 6 months divorced, and I’m terrified I’m going to ruin my progress. But things are getting hard.

​Me (44F) and my ex (47M) have been separated for a year and a half and officially divorced for six months. Now that the initial anger has faded, I’m finding myself in a really dangerous, conflicted headspace.

I was 13 when started "dating". My therapist is firmly in the belief that he groomed me. Can someone groom a person by accident?

​I know the facts: He treated me terribly did so much damage that one of our daughters is 100% no contact. The relationship was toxic. I know, logically, that I don’t actually miss him...I miss the version of him that I know he was capable of being. It’s the potential that haunts me. Crazy right? But what if? All the what ifs...

​I keep having the urge to reach out and grab dinner, but I’m terrified of slipping back into the power imbalances I fought so hard to leave. To make matters worse, he still texts me with sexually overt comments. He’s clearly trying to get me back into bed, and if I’m being honest, I miss that intimacy, which makes staying away feel impossible.

​Even worse, he’s already managed to pull me into a few phone conversations, and they always end the same way: him "inadvertently" insulting me. My self-esteem is currently in the pit of non-existence, and these conversations just carve out more space at the bottom.

​I know I deserve better, but being "strong" feels incredibly lonely and heavy right now. Has anyone else dealt with the cycle of mourning a partner's "potential" while being actively baited back into a dynamic that destroys your self-worth? How do you keep yourself from reaching out when your heart—and your body—are working against your brain?