I think i accidentally gave myself an eating disorder and now i cant find my way out

TW: bad eating habits, might be triggering

It all started so simply. I loved eating, never thought of calories and stuff, I felt great cooking and eating whatever I wanted. Never had any problems with
food/weight either

One day I noticed that my clothes were starting to feel tight on me, stepped on the scale, saw that i in fact gained.
I had a healthy bmi but so i dont have to buy new clothes, I decided to lose some weight. My only goals were to fit into my clothes and to not eat purely out of boredom which I did a lot.

It happened very fast. Did a calorie deficit diet, exercised, and in just a month, I lost >!5 kgs!<. My clothes did finally fit on me, but since I managed to lose this much in this little time and i didnt even “suffer” for it, I thought, why not lose more? At least my older clothes which I wore many years ago and loved deeply would fit on me too, I thought.

So I continued. Lowered my intake even more, consumed lots of coffee and tea and strictly counted everything i consumed. Though, I made sure not to deny any food offered from my loved ones so I started to call those days “cheat days”, even though that meant >!1000-1200!< calories for the whole day. And even though I told myself that eating those was okay, immediately after eating I felt very guilty, and the feeling became worse every time. I was constantly thinking about the time I needed to burn all those “extra calories” off, but I just became depressed because I also really hate exercising.

That was the time i downloaded a diet app. Now I spend way more time on that app than the time im eating. Logging, tracking everything i consumed, even zero drinks and things like that, just to feel “safe”

But I just can’t stop. I now have a bmi of >!16.something!< and a calorie limit of >!700,!< but everytime I consume near that, I get mad at myself. I tell myself “why did i eat that too i didn’t even feel hungry by that time, i just wasted those calories” and end the day feeling disappointed in myself. But every day ends around that limit so i feel guilty almost every day and go to sleep in a bad mood

My family tells me that I really lost weight and I absolutely see that too but its just not enough. I fit into all of my old clothes but it’s not enough either. I dont see myself skinny at all and my body structure doesnt help either.

It came to a point where im obsessed with food, spend hours of watching recipe making videos and mukbangs a day, reading new recipes and making them even though i eat barely anything out of them.

No food feels safe anymore. I don’t know if there’s a weight/bmi score that would feel low enough. I still feel like there is but my current weight was a >!goalweight!< too and see whats happening now

Im currently thinking about telling all these to a professional but i cant let anyone know, especially not my family. I would never hear the end of it. I know that they would tell everyone and try to force everything down on me. I love them very much but i know i can’t trust them with these kinds of things, based on other experiences

It all just sounds ridiculous. I didnt get bullied, no one triggered me, i wasnt even fat at the beginning, all of this was caused purely by myself. Its laughable even

I’m sorry if my writing is hardly understandable at times. My english is not the best by far and I’m also very stressed out at the moment.