I fucking hate how one side of me wanna just stop boy modding and come out even though I'll get fucked.

I hate it very much. I wanna use my actual name instead of the dead one in class. I wanna be friends and socialize with the girls in my class. I just wanna write the fact that I'm a woman and my name is Marcy in our class group but I know the fact that I'll get fucked over badly if I do this shit. It's hard to keep pretending and trynna survive for the sake of staying safe. I hate it. It's both mentally and physically draining. I fucking hate to hang out and socialize with the guys in my class yet I'm forced to. Idk when I'll be able to get out of this shit hole.