comming out as GAY

Hello everyone,

I am a gay man from Punjab.

Ever since I realized I was gay as a child, I prayed to God every day to make me "normal." I begged for years, hoping I would wake up one day and be different. Nothing ever changed, and eventually I stopped believing. I became an atheist.

Like many people who feel they can't be themselves, I buried myself in my studies. I became a topper, a nerd, and focused only on academics because it was the one thing I could control.

Now my family has started talking seriously about marriage. They want me to settle down, but I simply can't. I would rather stay single for the rest of my life than marry a woman and ruin both her life and mine.

I made a plan to pursue a master's degree abroad, hoping it would give me some time and independence. My family agreed—but they are also sending a girl to the same country because they want us to get married in the future. That girl is from our relatives who decided to sending us togeather.

I told the girl the truth. I told her that I am gay. Surprisingly, she still agreed, which has left me even more confused and stressed.

I feel trapped. I know I probably have about a year before I can no longer avoid telling my family the truth. My plan is to come out before I move abroad so that, even if they are hurt or angry, I can still spend some time with them before building my own life. At this point, I honestly don't think I will ever return to my hometown because of the trauma I associate with it.

I've never dated or hooked up with anyone in India. Fear has always stopped me—fear of being judged, outed, blackmailed, or having my life destroyed.

I'm exhausted from living a double life. More than anything, I just want to be free from this situation and finally live honestly.

Has anyone here gone through something similar? How did you handle coming out to your family, especially in a conservative environment? I would really appreciate hearing your experiences.