pleasure, sex, how tf do i enjoy this?

i can’t tell if i struggle with sex and pleasure due to my trauma or dysphoria due to being a trans woman.

i mean im sure its both. and its not like i ever have sex inrl. im too scared. so ive stuck to simple sexting and stuff.

the thing is, when i think of good things, good sex, safe soft romantic sex, after.. you know, finishing i feel so sick and disgusted in myself. because my abuser was never cruel to me i think.

but when i finish thinking about it being rough, or talking.. to someone who helps me reenact it, maybe i dont finish feeling good but i dont finish feeling sick and bad.

idk. does this make sense? i feel that the only way to take away the bad feelings of my abuse is by talking to several men, sexting, whatever. half the time im not even getting myself off. but idk.

why does it only feel good when im reenacting it? why does it feel so wrong and gross when its soft and safe?

i feel like he knew how to make me weak and broken. and now im broken when it comes to sex of any sort. i just cant feel any ounce of enjoyment unless its the thought of being hurt. like what the fuck?

genuinely. what. the. fuck? this cant be normal. i wanna have a normal sex life. especially once i get my sex change. but im scared ill never be able too? so wtf do i do?

please any advice is welcome