The Reclamation + some tips

Hello all, longtime lurker here. I am about 2 years out from going NC with both sides of my family - both for the 2nd time after trying to repair things. I am finally starting to really improve and actually ENJOY my life, which is a tremendous relief bc in the beginning I was in almost constant emotional pain and turmoil. So as someone who "made it" to the other side, I wanted to share some tips - things that I either WISH I had known or learned along the way:

- No 2nd chances. I hate to discourage people from repairing relationships with their families, but if you've gone NC once before? It was for a very good reason(s). So write those reasons down and re-read as needed. More often than not, attempts at repair with potential narcs/people with narcissistic traits will lead to retraumatization, which is arguably worse than the original traumatization. Do not extend grace to people who wouldn't do the same for you. I lost years of my life doing this, so trust me when I say you'll be saving yourself a LOT of pain.

- Break the cycle of rumination. It's easy to get caught up in chasing the "whys" and "whats". "WHY did they treat me like that? WHAT happened to them that made them that way?" THEY are the only people who can answer that, and let's be so for real: they either don't know themselves, or wouldn't answer honestly. Anything beyond that is pure speculation. When your brain starts spiraling in that direction, interrupt that thought process. Say "NO" out loud if you have to! Doing mental postmortems of the situation is just giving them more of your emotional/mental energy, and they don't deserve that.

- Ask yourself what YOU want out of life. Imagine for a moment that you lived in an alternate reality where they don't exist, and ask yourself "if I didn't care about their opinion of me, what would I want my life to look like?" This can be hard to do when up until now, you hid your own individuality and identity to be someone they would approve of (as if your best would ever be enough for them 🙄🤣). But if the answer is "I don't know" right now, don't be discouraged. Take it as an opportunity to explore old interests or learn about new things - eventually you WILL find things that are worth investing your time. Self-discovery is a lifelong pursuit.

- The mistakes of your past do NOT define you. You may have done hurtful things yourself, but that does NOT justify their treatment of you. If anything, most of your mistakes are probably a direct result OF that treatment. Don't justify your own bad behavior, but don't beat yourself up over it either. Working towards being better people than them is the goal here, and part of that is owning up to your own mistakes. But it does not absolve them of theirs, and THAT is the difference between y'all. If they were truly sorry for their actions and held themselves accountable, you'd probably forgive them, wouldn't you? Turn that logic around on yourself.

- Finally: don't let your experiences with them make you give up on humanity. There's a lot of manipulative, conniving, selfish people out there - but there's a lot of good eggs, too. Don't let them win by closing yourself off to new relationship opportunities. We're social creatures and we NEED community. Instead, take what you've learned from your experiences and weave them into discernment for the future. You know the red flags now, you know to listen to your gut, and you know that "no" is a full answer. Be wise about who you spend your time with and don't dive into the deep end with them right away, but take those opportunities and approach them with cautious optimism. Creating new memories and having new experiences is what re-wires the traumatized nervous system, and it's just as (if not MORE) important than understanding the past in retrospect.

It DOES get better, but healing requires more than just the passage of time. It also requires conscious work and effort. De-center the narcs in your life physically, emotionally and mentally. Don't let them take even more from you. Give that energy to those that deserve it: to yourself and your chosen family. I hope these tips help even a fraction as much as lurking on this sub has helped me. You are seen, you are loved, and you are not alone ❤️