Dropped Like Trash

I was in a two year dating, but not dating (complicated, I know) relationship.

She had moved to the US on the other side of the country after we were in a foreign country together as more than FWB but less than relationship. A few months later, I moved back to the US as well.

The entire time, we’re talking and calling, giving gifts (including Valentine’s Day), saying “I miss you” and planning her to visit me once I moved back (this month). Then, literally the night before I came back, she said she only ever liked the thought of me in the future (I’m transitioning) by focusing on feminine parts rather than me as a whole. That I made her feel safe and we had good memories together, but we should be friends in the future.

We had each asked each other to officially date once, and we both said no. I said it because the way she phrased it sounded more like I’d have to move to where she is as soon as I got back and also I was simply scared. Scared of losing her and commitment. So that’s on me. But after we both said no, we did the Valentine’s and the “I Miss Yous” so it felt like we were a couple anyways. She talked about how we could live together, even after.

So, I’m devastated. It’s been twoish weeks and literally every second awake (and now also asleep in my dreams) I can’t get her out of my mind. After all that time, and she just threw me away like trash with a 180. I can’t wrap my head around it. That’s not the person I know. My crazy heart is telling me to get on a plane and show up on her doorstep before she moves to a different house, but I know that’s crazy. I’m just in so much pain. Obviously, she’s not going to visit and I was looking so forward to introducing her to my parents and showing her bits and pieces of the place I grew up.

Thank you for letting me vent. Any advice is welcome.