17f having no one to talk to

i feel like i’m posting on here too much but i have no one i can open up to irl so this is the next best thing sorry.
i’d say the person who cares the most about me is my mum, but i can’t tell her that im suicidal for obvious reasons. i hate that my depression has impacted her from when she’s found out about my self harm and od in the past or when she’s found me asleep in bloody bedsheets. i don’t want to worry her more than i have already and also deal with the guilt that follows.

my dad should realistically understand me better than anyone because he has also struggled very profoundly with mental health in the past (i think there’s a depression gene in my family) yet he is extremely dismissive towards me. if i do mention how im feeling he just says it’s a “test of faith” or a “test from god” which is not particularly reassuring when ive been struggling since i was 14, and have never found anything close to a solution.

i can’t speak to my younger brother, who makes jokes about my scars and about me having issues (i don’t take it to heart as he’s just a teenage boy) and i also can’t talk to my friends who regularly exclude me from plans and whom i don’t communicate nearly as much with anymore. i used to be sociable and have a lot of friends, which is another aspect of my life that depression has taken from me. now ive kind of drifted from everyone and i feel like ive lost a sort of support system which was helping me through tough times. my supposed best friend moved to a different college and stopped talking to me, and the other can only make time for her bf. it sounds pathetic but i just feel so alone. i’m at such a desperate point in my life with no one who cares enough to let me confide in them. it just feels like shouting into the void.