My wife (40F) and I (30m) are falling apart.

My wife and I have been together for several years and married for a few. Lately our marriage has been on the edge, and we’re about to start couples counselling. I’m hoping for honest perspectives because I know I’ve made mistakes, but I also feel like we’ve both contributed to where we are.
Over the last year or so, we started drifting apart. Sex became less frequent, and I began feeling unwanted and insecure. Instead of handling those feelings well, I sought reassurance from her constantly. Looking back, I realize I put a lot of emotional pressure on her.
Now there is this guy at the hospital maybe 50m who is auxiliary staff at the hospital we work at, he happens to be a talented tattoo artist, and she went to him and got a tattoo to match me and cover up an old tattoo she got with an ex. Around the same time, she developed an emotional connection with him after the tattoo. She eventually admitted it was an emotional affair. There was no physical affair as far as I know, but she hid how close they had become while I was blowing up telling her I was uncomfortable with how she was behaving with him. That hurt me deeply, and I don’t think I’ve fully processed it.
We almost separated. I actually moved out for a couple of days to stay with my parents. During that time she asked me to come back home because she wanted to try to work on things. We ended up going on a family vacation that had already been booked, and for a while it actually felt like we were reconnecting. We laughed together, spent time as a family, and our sex life improved for that week.
Then things fell apart again almost immediately after we got home.
One of the biggest issues is that my anxiety has become overwhelming. On our trip I even woke her up early one morning because I needed reassurance that she still wanted to be with me. I can now see how unfair that was. Instead of respecting that she was tired, I made my panic her responsibility.
She has also told me something that’s really hard to hear: she feels like I’ve been objectifying her sexually. My sex drive is very high, especially lately, while hers has been low. She says she feels pressure, even when I don’t think I’m pressuring her. She says she misses romance and emotional connection and feels like too much of our relationship has revolved around my need for intimacy. Hearing that was painful, but I don’t think she’s making it up.
She says she’s unhappy. She says she feels too much intensity from me. She says she doesn’t feel emotionally safe because she’s worried every conversation will become about reassuring me or managing my emotions.
At the same time, she has acknowledged some of her own issues. She recently admitted she had accumulated around $10,000 in credit card debt through emotional spending, much more than I originally knew about. She’s taking responsibility for that and says she wants to change.
I also know I haven’t always been easy to live with. I’ve been needy, anxious, and at times emotionally overwhelming. I’ve embarrassed her at work by involving coworkers in our problems. When I’m afraid of losing her, I tend to chase harder instead of giving her space.
Right now we’re in a strange place. Some days she’ll ask me to come home or talk about trying to make things work. Other days she seems emotionally checked out and says she doesn’t know if she wants this marriage anymore.
We’re starting couples counselling soon, and my goal isn’t to convince her she’s wrong. I want to become a better husband regardless of what happens. I know I need to work on my anxiety, stop seeking constant reassurance, and learn how to make her feel emotionally safe again instead of pressured.
My questions are:
Has anyone come back from a relationship where one partner felt this emotionally exhausted?
Has anyone ever trusted their partner or looked at them the same after an emotional affair? The tattoo is just this reminder now too.
Is it possible for someone to rebuild attraction after they’ve started feeling pressured or objectified?
What should we realistically hope to accomplish in couples counselling?
Based on what I’ve written, what do you think each of us needs to own?
I’m looking for honest feedback, even if it’s difficult to hear.