Should I just give up?

I feel like I should just rep/force myself not to be trans. I don’t think I’m dysphoric enough, sometimes I don’t even feel anything when I look at myself. I’ll never be a real man anyways, I wasn’t born trans, I’m just a girl who wants to be a man. It doesn’t matter how much I transition or even if I am happy with it, i’m still not a man and that upsets me.

I’ve been fighting unwanted thoughts for about 7 years of my fear of being of woman, I can’t even go outside or talk to people without being afraid I secretly envy them. I can’t get and professional help and even if I could, I wouldn’t want it because I would be afraid I would just become a woman.

I tried to make myself not dysphoric but hurts too much not be a man, I tried killing myself multiple times because I’m not one/will never be. I can’t live anymore because I’ll always be envious of how men look and sound even if I try to force myself out of it.