I accidentally made my therapist quit on me

I'm an idiot and I hate myself for what I've done. I have no one to talk to about the despair that I'm feeling now that I chased away the only person who's been helping me through my mental health journey for the past 3 years.

My therapist would always say it's ok for me to send messages through a chat function to just vent my frustrations through the week before our session. No matter what, I could yell into the void, but this time I went too far after having a meltdown.

I know I deserve this, and I've been calling the hotlines and looking for help. I can't believe I chased them away forever, I feel my entire support is crumbling and it's all my fault. I inevitably destroy everything that I touch, even a trained professional couldn't help me. I'm worthless and horrible.

Needed to get this off my chest, I don't know what to do. I know it seems like just a therapist, but for the past 3 years this person has kept me here as they helped me. I've been through multiple therapists, but have never connected with one like that, it makes me dizzy thinking about starting again.

I've called my doctor as well, and they recommended I go inpatient if things get worse. I know people might thing this is no big deal, but I feel like everything is lost, I dont know who can help someone like me. They were the only one that knew about me wanting to transition and that identity is gone now with their support.

Am I just being a baby?