The fear of the unknown.

I didn't have the best childhood, became an orphan at 6 and my sister was 8years. Our grandparents took care of us and they tried their best to make sure we had comfortable lives. 5 years later grandpa passed on at this point we knew what death meant since we used to take him as our dad.

The year 2021 my sister finished college and got married but things got worse in December 2022 when she was giving birth. I've never understood where the complications came from, she died when her daughter was 2 days old. I wasn't prepared to be a parent this soon but I had to, at the moment I didn't know if I should love the little girl or not, I was like you're the reason my sister died but I consoled myself and said 'you're my immediate relative and now my baby' I wasn't prepared to be a mom this soon but I had to and she's now my motivation.

Some days I cry myself to sleep some days I'm strong. I felt like the universe wasn't fair to me. This is one thing we rarely heal from, I feel like a part of me was buried with my sister but there is nothing I can do about it. I was in my third year when she passed away and after graduating I immediately enrolled for masters just to keep myself occupied that made me happy.

My niece has been my inspiration and main drive towards life. I vowed to do all I can to see her grow and enjoy having a mom I never had, I didn't want to commit myself to any relationship my main fear being getting a child and die leaving her/him an orphan. I'm currently 26 and I fear being in a relationship and getting children.

If you've ever been through such, how did you navigate dating or trusting life without being paralyzed by 'what if' I'm looking for any advice regarding this. Thank you.