I feel like I never really felt loved or connected to people

I'm 17M and I feel like I haven't really enjoyed life for most of it.

Growing up, my mother was very controlling and pushed me into many sports and hobbies. I know parents often do this because they want the best for their children, but what hurt me was that she never really showed interest in what I did. She never came to my tournaments or concerts, and I felt like my achievements didn't matter.

After she found a new partner, I felt like she cared even less about me. Whether I went to school, had good grades, or struggled didn't seem to matter. The only thing that seemed important was her reputation, and if I made her look bad in front of others, she could become abusive.

For most of my life I have felt like someone who was never really loved or seen. I have very little motivation for my future.

At 14, my mother and stepfather decided to move back to Russia. I didn't want to go because I couldn't speak or understand Russian, but my opinion wasn't really considered. I ended up isolating myself for around 3 years. Almost nothing happened during that time.

Now I'm back, but I have no close friends, no online friends, and I struggle to feel a real connection with people. Sometimes I also struggle with empathy and understanding my own emotions. I feel like I don't have anyone who is truly important to me.