This disorder isn’t fair

Fibromyalgia is the stupidest fucking disorder ever. Because what do you mean it screws every part of my life inside and out, but just because it can’t kill me, people don’t think it’s real? Are you serious? It’s like your body is out to get you at ALL times and there’s nothing you can do about it. And before I get interrogated, yes, I’m diagnosed. Yes, my doctor and I have ruled out thyroid and sex hormone issues.

Because of how mysterious and understudied fibromyalgia is, there’s no working treatment. Not even opioids can help the pain. No painkiller works. I’ve tried experimental medications. Most people think the whole disorder is made up, and even those who do believe it exists don’t understand how genuinely debilitating it can be. It may not be able to kill or hospitalize me directly but it always has and always will define my life. It’s not just a pain processing disorder. Being in horrible pain in every part of my body all the time doesn’t cover the half of it. You cannot escape it. You can’t even find peace in sleep because even if you manage to beat the comorbid insomnia (it’s a package deal), you get the nightmares. You wake up feeling like you’re not safe anywhere.

It’s like being mocked by your own body 24/7:

> “Want to finish school? Too bad, here’s some brain fog bad enough to make you fail and subsequently drop out. Want to sleep? Too bad, you can’t. Oh, you managed to fall asleep? Here’s the worst nightmare you’ve ever had in your life. Want to go pee? Too bad, you’re too exhausted to get up and get to the toilet, so here’s a UTI that’ll turn septic and nearly kill you, and you won’t even notice because you’ll think the symptoms are just from me. Want to run errands or do something fun? You still can’t get out of bed, oh and you’re also in excruciating pain. Want to enjoy your life? Too bad because you’re still in excruciating pain, and here’s some treatment resistant major depression while we’re at it. Oh and fuck your ears too. You can’t hear either because of me. And you fall over when you stand up. You’re dizzy in every position. You’re so stupid from the brain fog that it’s ruined your social life and your academic career. Why not throw in chronic nausea-induced disordered eating too. Lol suck it dipshit.”

It’s truly a catch-all disorder! What a joke!

I’m turning 18 as a 10th grade dropout. What a joke.

I wanted to believe I was just lazy and that if I put enough stimulants and perscriptions in my body, I’d turn my life around. I wanted that to be the case. God I wish it was. But I’m not lazy or dramatic, because I have no reason to be. I wanted to do something with my life. A lazy person is lazy because they don’t want to do anything with their life. Sure, some people with fibromyalgia manage to live normally, work, study, and enjoy hobbies, but obviously I’m not one of them, because it’s known for being INCREDIBLY SUBJECTIVE. A five second google search will tell you it varies wildly from person to person. Think before you speak once in a while.

I want a job so, so bad. I want to finish high school, I want to learn a sport, I want to go to the skatepark, I want to get a gym membership, I want to spend my free time running around, and I try so hard. I tried so hard.

Do you know how bad I wanted to play volleyball? How bad I wanted to excel in science? I did, in the beginning at least. Do you know how bad I wanted to go to university? I wanted to be the first of my peers with a job. I wanted to be working at 14 so I could pay for all those things eventually. I looked for jobs. I tried to work out every day. I tried to get up and eat every day. I wanted to find a research-based field in biology and study for the rest of my life. I thought that if I tried hard enough, I might even graduate high school early and start uni at 17. But here I am at 17, without even a full 10th grade education, because I couldn’t focus and I couldn’t comprehend it, let alone get out of bed every morning and show up. I’m tired and I hurt. Everywhere.

And people don’t think it’s real? Are you out of your fucking mind? Why would it be an excuse? An excuse for what? Laziness? In what world? You think I wanted to be a hermit and a dropout? You think I wanted to have no friends, no hobbies, and no money? “God helps those who help themselves” my ass. No, I wanted to be smart and I wanted to have fun. I fucking tried, and I still try, and look where it’s gotten me.

This horseshit disorder won’t even kill me, so I have to live with it. And God forbid I call myself disabled.

All that being said I do think the fibromyalgia gag on Family Guy is pretty funny.