My experience with a person who was torn between faith and sexuality (WLW)

If I sound like I'm just spouting off a bunch of thoughts out of order, I apologize. I'm still trying to process a very unpleasant experience.

Two months ago I got out of a very toxic relationship. Even though we were only together for two months, with a period of getting to know each other before that, I experienced much more in such a short time than I thought possible.

My ex-girlfriend grew up in a very conservative and religious environment and from the very beginning it was clear that she was having a serious internal struggle with her own sexuality. I was very understanding of that, but over time I started to feel that her conflicts were increasingly reflected on me.

Another important thing I forgot to mention is that we don't live in the same city or country. I currently live in Belgrade for my studies, while she lives in another country. Her parents found out about her sexual orientation a few years ago, after which they sent her to conversion therapy, which, I believe, had serious consequences on her mental state and attitude towards her own sexuality.

That relationship, honestly, was very exhausting for me. When I look back today, I realize that it was vague and full of contradictions from the very beginning.

She mostly came to my place, which was quite logical because I live alone. We had much more privacy than if I had gone to her place, especially considering that her family did not know about her sexual orientation and was not in favor of LGBT people. Because of this, my apartment was the safest place for us.

We spent time together, toured Belgrade and at first glance everything seemed perfectly fine. I made sure she was comfortable, tidied up the apartment, bought food, and wanted her to feel welcome, no matter what direction our relationship would take later.

However, one morning, after she had been staying with me for a few days, she woke up next to me and told me that I was, as she put it, “both an ugly and a beautiful girl at the same time.” When I asked her exactly what she meant, she explained that she would never have said that to me if I had longer hair.

That seemed completely illogical to me. Before we met, she had had the opportunity to see my photos on Instagram, as well as see me on video calls several times. My appearance could not have been a surprise to her.

I won’t go into too many details, because I believe that all of this would give you and me a headache. However, I think this is enough to give you an idea of ​​what I was going through.

I am aware that I made a mistake myself because I did not set clear boundaries in time and distanced myself from her. Today I know that she was very unfair and selfish towards me in almost every aspect of our relationship.

She very often introduced the topic of choosing between “the Lord” and our relationship into our conversations, because she believed that her faith forbade her from being with a woman. She voluntarily went to prayer communities where homosexuality and similar topics were among the main topics of conversation. She said that a person is “closest to God” when he decides not to live a homosexual life, that it is not natural and that the only correct path is to renounce his own feelings.

In addition, she did not believe in women's rights or support feminism, which was especially difficult for me to understand, because I believe that a large number of lesbians have a developed awareness of the importance of equality and human rights precisely because of their experience.

Because of all this, I was often forced to listen to stories about how we would end up in hell if we continued to live this way. In the beginning, I tried to understand it, because I was aware that there was a serious religious trauma behind everything. However, over time her behavior became more and more extreme. Today, I have the impression that religion was not the only problem, but that she often used religion as a way to justify her own indecision and internal conflicts.

This is confirmed by the fact that her bad behavior did not end when I decided to end the relationship. On the contrary, she continued to belittle me and try to present me as a bad person.

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I was often criticized for things that I consider completely normal: college duties, talking to family or simply needing to be away from the phone for a few hours. If I didn't respond to her text or call right away, insults, accusations, and guilt often followed.

What hit me the most was when she told me that the sexual assault I experienced at seventeen was my fault and that it wouldn't have happened if I had been "closer to God." That's something I'll never forget.

In addition, she repeatedly belittled me for my dyslexia, dysgraphia, and ADHD. Throughout the relationship, I felt like there was always an excuse for her behavior, while every problem was mostly my fault or someone else's.

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The final straw came the day she asked me to send her money that I simply didn't have. During that time, I was working a very hard physical job, barely covering rent and basic living expenses.

Otherwise, I'm a person who studies and works at the same time. I pay for college, rent, food, utilities, literally all my expenses.

After paying all the bills, I had just enough to get through the month. Despite that, she expected me to help her financially, without any understanding of the situation I was in. That was the first time I really felt how selfish she was and realized that such a relationship no longer had a future.

When I asked her why she wasn't working if money was so important to her, she always had some excuse. She usually said she was studying at a state university, while I was studying at a private university, as if that was an excuse.
Honestly, I know many people who work successfully and study at a state university. I don't come from a wealthy family and I've been fighting for myself my whole life.

Ultimately, it's not my problem if someone doesn't want to work, nor is it my obligation to finance someone else's life.

After the breakup, instead of accepting my decision and moving on, she started writing publicly about our relationship on reddit. She presented me as a bad person, twisting the facts and completely omitting everything that preceded my reactions.

In addition, she started saying that she is now dating men and that she is better off with them because they pay for everything. Honestly, such a way of thinking was completely incomprehensible to me. I believe that it is not normal to expect one person to finance another just because he is a man or because it is supposedly "understood". A healthy relationship implies mutual respect, agreement and balance, not exploitation by either party.

Precisely because of such public announcements and contradictory statements, I additionally understood that this was a person who did not even know what he wanted. Her words, beliefs and actions were constantly contradicting each other, and she almost never took responsibility for her own actions.

When I look back on everything that happened today, I get the impression that she was a person who didn't even know what she wanted. Her words, beliefs, and actions were often in complete contradiction to each other.

My question for you is this.

I'm aware that psychotherapy would probably help me a lot and I plan to go for it. However, I want to gather a little more courage, because I know that it will mean that I will have to talk not only about this relationship, but also about many other difficult experiences from my life.

Until then, I'm wondering if you have any advice or recommendations for books that would help me better understand these types of behavior patterns and learn how to recognize manipulative and emotionally immature people earlier.

Honestly, I don't want situations like this to repeat themselves in my life. I would like to learn something from this experience and make healthier decisions in the future when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this post, I apologize for its length.
Any advice is helpful 🍀