I planned on dying and I'm still here

I had a falling out with some of .you closest friends earlier this year. I was devastated to the point where we night while my partner and just were talking about my grief he offered to take me to the hospital to admit myself for psychiatric care because he was so afraid I'd do something to myself. I convinced him that I didnt need to go, I was just lonely because I now didnt have anyone. He helped me for some months, but the night when w my friends and I stopped talking I wrote essentially what was a suicide letter telling them that its not their fault and that they made me realize that my life was purposeful and meaningful so without them I had become hopeless. It didnt help that I tried to make friends in classes i was taking and the people I talked to just seemed more interested in hanging out with others. I don't blame them. We were in this weird limbo of going no contact with no closure and I told myself that if I ever got to see them again, I'd kill myself that day because I can die knowing that they're doing okay without me. I saw them again recently and we buried the hatchet. We've even hung out a few times. Its been about a month and I'm still contemplating it. I think I'm just full of guilt and shame. I can't leave my partner like this after he's tried so hard to support me and my cat will miss me. I also feel ridiculous that I even felt this strongly about them, but I also think its because I'd never had true friends who were unapologetically themselves and made me feel comfortable in myself. They were there for me during some dark times when no one else was and to not have them for so many months while I was struggling I think changed my brain chemistry. Seeing them stresses me out sometimes because I'm constantly wondering if they can tell something is wrong, but I think they can because they've already started to question me a bit. Anyways, I'm still here and that's proof enough to me that its work sticking around. I've got it written on my desk's little whiteboard: "I work hard because I can do hard things."