MITCH MCCONNELL, DEAD(???) AT 84 🐢⚰️💀

💥🐢 BREAKING: MITCH McCUMmell 🐢👴🏻🕳️ was found FACE DOWN HOLE UP 🥴🍑⚖️ on his Capitol Hill floor 🏛️🚪 at 8:36 AM ⏰💦 taking his last unassisted breath 🫁🎬 before paramedics MOUNTED him 🧎‍♂️💥📈 and POUNDED his GERIATRIC CHEST 🫀💪🏻💥…That’s right SLUTS 🫵🏻🤭 the 84-year-old ✨alleged✨ living human 👴🏻🐢💋 might as well have been CREAMated 💦🔥💀🚨 WEEKS AGO 📅⛔ with the lack of info the government has been EDGING us with 🤏🏻😩⏰ and yet 🙄 spokesperson DADDY POPP 👨🏻‍💼💋 keeps posting the SAME statement 📋🔁😴 “he’s RECOVERING 🥺 he’s WORKING CLOSELY with staff 💼📞 he’s DIALED IN 🎯” BITCH 💅🏻 DIALED in from WHERE⁉️📍⁉️ is he in the HOSPITAL❓🏥❓ is he in a FREEZER❓🧊❓ Schrödinger’s senatWHORE 📦🐢 both ALIVE ✅ and DEAD 💀 until someone OPENS up his old, SOGGY BOX 📦👀💦 …🐢🐢🐢 WHERE THE FUCK IS MITCH 🗣️⁉️⁉️🐢🐢🐢

UPDATE 🚨📰🚨📰🚨:

SO IT’S TRUE‼️⚠️ We 🔞 have 💢 a FUCKING 👉🏻👌🏻 VEGETABLE 🥦🥴 on our hands 🙌🏻 here! 👊🏻 Laura GOONER 🧩🕵🏻‍♀️🚩 dropped the OFFICIAL BRAIN-DEAD ALLEGATION 💀🧠💣 and reporter Desirée POUNDsend 📰💥 BACKED HER UP 🤝🏻 saying our TURTLE 🐢 is on LIFE SUPPORT 🩺⚡ …LIKE you KNOW 👁️ the SHELL is EMPTY 📦🐢 when even the far-right 🚩 is calling the coverup 🕵🏻‍♀️🚨 …So NATURALLY 🙄 GOP damage control 🚨 kicked in FAST 💨 Scott JIZZings 👨🏻‍💼💦 posted about a 20-MINUTE chat 📞⏰ with Mitch but babe 💅🏻📋 he READ that from a NOTECARD 📇✍🏻 while Mitch’s VENTILATOR 🩺🌬️ hummed in the background 🎼🫁 …AND WHERE 📍 in the LORD’S name 🙏🏻 is ELAINE CHUD 👰🏻🥢 the WIFE 💍 currently STILL in CHINA 🇨🇳🥂 sipping BAIJIU 🍾 with the CCP 🇨🇳🤝🏻 while her HUSBAND 💍 enters his ROTTING ERA 🪱 Her spokesperson literally said his health “did not warrant an immediate return” 🛬❌🙅🏻‍♀️ babe 💅🏻 he FLATLINED 📉📉📉 you’re supposed to at LEAST PRETEND 🎭 to CARE 🥺💧 unless you ALREADY KNOW 👁️ he’s GONE 💀👋🏻 🕶️ the WIDOW is WIDOWING 👰🏻🖤🥂 before the OBITUARY 📰 even drops 📆⚰️ … ANYWAYS, the Senate 🏛️ is CUMveniently 🤔 in RECESS 🚫🏛️ till July 13 📅 so the GOP can figure out 🧠 whether to keep him UNDEAD 🧟 or let him ✨ascend✨ 👼🏻 quietly 🤫🕊️ meanwhile DEMOCRATS 🐴 already passed an ANTI-IRAN WAR resolution 🇮🇷⚔️🚫 because Mitch is TOO DEAD 💀 to VOTE 🗳️❌

…If you don’t forward ⏩ this to 4️⃣ closeted caucus daddies 🚩👨🏻‍💼🍆 and 1️⃣ Beijing sommelier 🍷🇨🇳 currently GOONING with Elaine 👰🏻🥂 in the next 6️⃣9️⃣ MINUTES ⏰ Mitch McCONDOM 🐢🍆 will MOLT 🦎💥 into a sentient creature 🧟🐢 and vote to CLAP your cheeks 👏🏻🍑 until YOU’RE the one who’s BRAIN DEAD 💀🧠🚨 #WeekendAtMitchies 🐢🕶️👔 #ShellGameSenate 🐢🎲🏛️ #DeadOrJustGay? 💀🌈🚨