The truth

I can't help it. I miss him. And the fact that he told me that he doesn't want to guarantee anything when it comes to contacting me ever again, is fucking me up. Like... Did I really deserve to have my heart ripped from my chest like this?

I don't give my true affection to just any guy. Shit, I've never even opened up to a guy fully the way I did him. He was the first. I always kept my heart guarded. I've never been in love. (Not saying I love him, but I feel the closest thing you can genuinely feel akin to that emotion) I've never felt this way before. About any guy. No "crush" I've ever had in the history of ever made me feel this intensely affected.

And I know I dived in headfirst fast, but I felt in my soul, there was something between us. Something special. Like... We connected on a level I ain't never gonna fully understand is possible.

But he just got scared and ran away. And it hurts. I wish he'd text me that he misses me too. But he probably doesn't. And I look pretty pathetic right now. Crying in my bedroom. AGAIN.

I try so hard to live my life. Not thinking about it. But all I do is think of him. And it's making me feel terrible.

It's not fair. He's so gorgeous. I know we're far away. But I'm working on getting my passport. I just want him. 😭 I miss his voice. I miss our talks. We laughed together. Shared painful memories. We both grew up in horrible meth head shit holes.

Sigh. What did I let this boy do to me?

Anyway, yeah. That's it. I thought I could get over this. But I can't. But I'm not gonna contact him. So at least I've resisted the crazy urge to be icky energy pick me girl who begs him to come back.

Hope anyone who reads this knows that I'm sorry I'm so incredibly ridiculous.

<3 have a great day - S