I think I have bpd and it explains everything that’s been going on internally with me but I am now lowkey realizing I am the problem

I’ve recently been informed of the symptoms of bpd, and oh my god I fit almost all of them, I’ve ruined relationships, I AM DHE RED FLAG. I have a fear of absndonment, I am a people pleaser and I don’t even know who I am. Like and so much more, I can’t even get a therapist, my dad talks shit about everyone I know that has any mental problems, and then he expects me to tell him if I have anything going on. He recently told me if anything is going on I can tell him, like hell I would, he would be the last person let alone my fuckimg family everyone just talks shit about eachother here and acts like it’s normal. I don’t know what to do guys help me