I feel like my wife doesn’t want me anymore

As the tag says, this is a bit of a rant, and need somewhere to vent.

We’re both 30, and have been together a very long time. Our sex life has its ups and downs, but I feel like the latest down is really effecting me mentally. I can only get attention if I ask for it, like, literally I have to ask her to give me some special attention because it will never naturally come up. She also told me I have to ask her so she knows it’s okay to move forward, and I understand that consent is important, but we’ve been together 8 years, consent is implied. It’s really really frustrating because she tells me “yes” “of course” and seems excited to happily do it every time, but she never ever follows through. I’ll be home waiting for her to initiate anything and it never comes. I always have to initiate as rarely as it happens. And I’ve cried begging I need her to initiate to feel wanted and it never happens, I’m getting crushed by feeling unwanted. For over a month we talk at work about exciting plans when we get home, and NOTHING ever happens.

She constantly makes plans and has ideas for us to hang out and do things, sexy or not, and she literally forgets or just doesn’t do anything about them. To the point I hate making plans, because they’re never followed through. And she acts like I’m being the downer when I don’t act excited for what she’s “planned” when I know it’s just not going to happen.

I’m starting to feel so bad about myself, I really really feel like if I have to ask you to give me attention, then you don’t actually want to give it to me. I love her more than anything, and I won’t leave her, and we live in a foreign country so will not be going to therapy. I feel stuck, and so thoroughly unsatisfied sexually, I have no idea how to bring it up AGAIN without starting a fight or animosity. Or whenever I’ve brought my needs up in the past, she flips it and tells me I don’t do anything for her, when 1. I do, and 2. That’s not the point. I’m telling you what I need. I want to be touched without asking, I want to feel wanted, she hates pda so I don’t get anything in public or at home. I’m literally thinking of posting nudes on Reddit to get some attention that I’m not getting at home.

Last night just hurt me more than normal. I was having a horrible mental day; real down in the dumps. My depression was Hitting. I asked her at work if I could get held and a lot of attention when we get home because I needed it, and it was really hard to ask because of my mental state. And she said of course baby, told me we’d cuddle on the couch, and watch a movie, and just hang out, she SAID it. And the restaurant we worked at was really slow so we could leave early, I told her when her table was finished could she do her cash out so we could leave, and she said that exactly what she was going to do, that was at midnight . But then another table came into our dead restaurant, sat in someone else’s section, so not even her table, and she just sat down to talk to them for an hour! I was barely holding on, edge of tears, wanting her, and she chose to do that instead. I left after 30 min watching her, and went home by myself. She wasn’t home til 2, and I just couldn’t help feeling like I told her I needed her, and she just didn’t care. She didn’t try to show me I was important to her at all, I know I am, but i needed her and she let me down.

Today is a new day, and I’m still down, and acting like everything is fine, but I’m so sad.