Reflections on Chirality from JW to AT

A,

In chemistry there are chiral isomers. You'll know you've come across a left-handed isomer by the "L" notation in the naming (L-Dopa, L-Tyrosine, L-Turpin, etc). They are the same molecular structure in terms of their makeup; number of atoms, where they attach, etc. They can't be superimposed upon one another though, they are mirror images, their own unique thing. Unique enough to even have drastically different effects when consumed.

When I picture two isomers they look identical from certain perspectives, while other angles show that their lines and composition don't quite match. The similarity is obvious, but so are the differences.

You were my chiral isomer. We carried synonymous histories and the broken pieces of ourselves looked similar from various perspectives. Yet, when superimposed the uniqueness of the cracks and patches don't line up, they are their own unique thing. Still, I saw you for who and what you were and it didn't scare me. I saw another broken person, much like myself, who was deserving of love and affection and all of the softness my heart could provide. It's why there's nothing you could ever do that would make me hate you, or make me want to do anything to hurt you. I lost that along the way because a drug made to ease pain will also numb you emotionally (this is factual, emotional pain and physical pain trigger the same nueral cascade).

People look at that and see a flaw, or someone "settling". Someone so desperate for love that they'll take it in whatever way it comes. These people do not know me. I do not seek comfort just anywhere, I do not want attention from just anyone, I do not care about the opinions of most. If that were true I would be talking to the people interested in me and willing to give me those things. I don't want those things from just anyone. I know what I want, I know who I want, and I know why I want it all.

It hurt at times, but if I've learned nothing else through all of this it's this: I am strong, I am capable, I can endure the harsh times until the sun shines and the flowers bloom again. There is no calm without the storm, there is no day without the night. There is no version of you that I would not love.

When I was a kid I used to smash my Hot Wheels with a hammer because I wanted them to look like they had been in wrecks. I have always had a fondness for broken things. New, nice and shiny has its qualities, but I like the damage, the grime, the signs of a time spent living and learning. There is also something to be said for repairing these broken things.

I'm not your savior though, I'm not here to fix you, I'm not here to change you. I wanted to be a passenger for the ride on your journey, but I think the fact I see you so clearly scares you. You think if someone sees the parts you keep hidden that no one will ever stay. How long did I have to stay and endure the continued disrespect for you to see that I wasn't going to abandon you. I wasn't angry so much for the things you did as I was angry because you lied, again and again, and avoided any and all accountability for those things. Trust is all I have, everything else can be rebuilt or repaired.

Abusive people love the shadows. This is why I always tried to talk to you directly. I have owned my mistakes, I have let them burden me for the better part of 15 years, but I'm forgiving myself even if you won't. I have no desire to lay your mistakes bare for the world to see because I have no desire to hurt you. You know the things you did, and you never were willing to take accountability for those things. Never once apologized, never once seemed to show remorse. You blamed me because I couldn't move past it, yet you kept doing it. In fact you continued to try and hurt me long after any lingering feelings remained on your side.

I used to think I needed that apology, that acknowledgement of fault. I know now I don't. I don't need anything but my own will and determination to see the best version of myself through to the other side of a pitch black void. No light to guide me but that which flickers from within. It's taken me a long time to build this fire back up enough to be able to see my way out now. Just imagine, at any time you could have shown a light to help guide me, but all I got was the echoes of my own voice screaming out in the darkness and the occasional snicker from the crowd of cowards enjoying the show.

And yet still, I hope as I clear my way out I will find you along the way. Leave the past where it belongs, back in the darkness, and forge a new path forward with me. Your left hand in my right, two chiral isomers bonded through endurance. I have come to accept that is unlikely, but I've also come to learn that I'm okay with that. I'm done begging for you to be a part of my life. I'm done begging for you to have the decency to talk to me. I'm done begging for answers. I don't need them anymore, they don't matter. All that matters to me now is that I keep this fire burning, continuing to add more fuel and combustible material wherever I can find it, and watching in awe as it continues to grow. Eventually I plan to allow others to light their fire off of mine, so they can find their own way out.

I don't need to progress further in my story to earn your love. I want someone to be a co-author with and write a new chapter with me. Until then, I'll keep the focus where it should be; offline and on quiet growth.

J