these thoughts are torturing me..

i cant do this anymore , i feel like noone can help me with my problems..

soo.. ive been having some weird ass thoughts (these thoughts include the characters being depressed, selfharming, being sexually abused, or engaging in specific fetishes that i wont mention) that i cant explain around specific fictional characters over the years and ive been having of a few characters that have been mentally torturing and tormenting me for like almost a year.. and if they appear in a piece of media (a video or tiktok/short, or in someones pfp or in a subreddit) i get soo distressed and immediately scroll away ORRR i either just stare at that piece of media, and if its someones profile, i click on it impulsively and investigate on it, (their vids, their bio, how they type, if they have a mental illness, and what type of content they make) and i get even more distressed because i either see that they have more content on that character or on the show/game that its from or they dont even necessarily need to have content from that same show/game and from another show/game thats kinda similar (like in the sense of what type of fans they have/attract and the aesthetic)

and all of these thoughts and moments ive had had caused me to stop enjoying the media that character is from, AND EVEN OTHER SHOWS/GAMES THAT ARENT SIMILAR OR KINDA SIMILAR TO THAT MEDIA (its mostly because i would notice that they have the same type of fans or alot (sometimes a few) of fans that also engage and love the media that these characters im like.. fixated on are from. and because of that, i would start avoiding posts or people that center around that show/game or start avoiding specific platforms that ive seen posts of that game/show, in order to not get these thoughts again T-T

also when i stumble across those posts/vids that are about that specific character or about the media theyre from or even the account posting says that they love or post about that show/game, it just gets attached to my memory for a really long time.. still remember some posts or accs that ive seen that are from like 7 months ago lol ..

and to make it better? i start acting like the fans of the show/game or like those characters i weirdly fixated on (for example, i start trying to dress like the character, do my hair like the character, set up my pfp or bio like the fans have done, and it even has influenced my way of typing like these fans do , im literally typing like that rn T-T

its like im trying to fit in.. i dont know..and at the same time i get distressed when i stumble across these fans' accs and analyze how they act and type but at the same time i try to mimic them... (at the same time in reality i have no sense of style and i feel like im boring I DONT WANNA BE BORING.. I DONT WANT TO BE A "NORMIE" LIKE THOSE FANS/PEOPLE DISLIKE I DONT WANT TO BE DISLIKED :(((( )

it has changed the way i talk, the way i identify, i dont know who am i, its killing me.. ive been going to a phycologist over the months.. nothing has changed..

i feel like this is some sort of cycle.. i get randomly fixated on a random character of a show/game i started engaging on... i feel like i dont have any interests, no comfort characters like everyone else does, i hate this.. i cant sleep at night bcz of this .. nothing is helping... whyyy do i feel envious towards others for having worse stuff happening to them than ive endured...??

(btw i just ran out of space ill continue from comments)