Could please someone explain me my strange brain? (Enabler Mom)

Hi there,
I (f, 48) feel stuck. Because people here, my therapist...all tell me: You can do what is the right thing for YOU. If you don't want to write, to answer, to meet your enabler mother (74), you don't have to.
And nobody "understands", that yes, I have, deep, from my core, because this is what people do, right? Be a nice human being, caring. Logically, I understand every single reason, that I'm a grown woman and FREE. But somehow, my brain says the WHOLE time: This is not right. Older people are happy if somebody talks to them, visits them, I KNOW that, everybody does this all the time. Even I want to see people around me happy. And isn't it the society which we all want: Leaving nobody alone, being there for eachother, having compassion. My therapists says: You are ALWAYS thinking FOR your mother. Do you think, she does the same for you? Do you think she sets herself aside for your feelings? (in a way, she does, because she tries to let me be...for around 2 months ;)) And I just know that my mother ALWAYS thinks of me, she wishes me well and wants to help me all the time.

And I despise everything of that.
THIS makes me feel like such a bad human being, because I just CAN'T wrap my brain around me not being able to at least spend a LITTLE time with her, faking it, for her sake and my peace. When she writes a letter, there is no joy. Only pure annoyance. Isn't that unfair? There is a person who loves me, who thinks of me and writes, wants to be there for me...and I can not show joy, gratitude or the will to reconcile. I just want my peace. I would love to "flee" the country and never look back, because honestly, I don't like being around my mother. I don't get it. She is a lovely person, everybody likes her. Soft spoken, always interested. Also, always open to critique, to thoughts. So it seems.

WHEN I ask for exact thing: Therapy?
"I'm so old, what should that bring?" "One therapist said (in the 90s, lol) that I have exhausted all treatment options!" "Nobody can tell me what to do!" Three different answers at the same afternoon, when I tried to tell her that I think she needs some help. Ok, accepted! You won't change, mother! But somehow it feels, as if she thinks I'm dong MY therapy just to be able to proceed with her.

No, my mother only wants to see me, talk to me to calm down HER nervous system. Because when we have an afternoon together or she receives a nice message from me (a shallow one, in my words lol), she thanks me, even months later, because she is SOOO grateful that I made time for her. I know how much she loves me, even glorifies me. And I don't know why. I feel like a bird in a cage. Since I was 20 or younger, I wanted to leave them, but I could never. On the contrary, I made everything so it seemed that everything was fine. Out of guilt, fear, I don't get it why I always tried to please them, even as an adult. I felt so much sadness for my mother, I guess that is a main reason.

The last afternoon with her, 2 months ago, was not nice. I think, she lives in an illusion, a smile means: Everything is fine. And I can smile a whole day, even if I'm on the verge of...giving up. That is how I am. Always trying to save everybody from my dark and sad thoughts.

And meeting my mother is so exhausting. She is like vinyl on repeat. Since 30years the same stories, the same sentences: He didn't mean it, he can't help it, he is a lost sould, I'm there to rescue him, please, show some mercy, show some understanding, be the better person, he is who he is, we all made mistakes, I'm a bad mother, I know...blaaaah. She even managed after two years of no visits and between three hours seing me to say: All men just want s*x, that's how they are - and it blows my mind, because I don't even know HOW it came to that conversation. But she puts everything in the time she has with me and I can almost recite every sentence and what is coming up...

So, to get to the point: She wrote a letter after I just wrote a short email because I KNEW after 2 months of no contact, she would get nervous and yes, I tried to please her. And of course, she already had this long letter in the making. And this letter now...is full of questions. About my life, my work, she is so nice and interested...and I see through it. Of course, she wants a connection. And I don't want to share ANYthing. And feel so guilty about that. This is the enmeshment everybody talks about? But HOW on earth could I be MEAN to that "poor" woman? /s Every single answer I would give from my TRUE self would hurt her. If I would proceed answering her, writing back...I would be swallowed up, because she know no end and another letter...and another...even just to say that she received a letter...she writes an email.

I'm going crazy in my mind because I can see no way out. Because in the end, everytime, all that is left in me is: SHE is not the bad person, I would be. She is like a small, cute puppy, who follows me everywhere and I would need to throw rocks at her to leave me alone. She does NOT get it that I don't want contact with her. Because I always answer. Out of guilt. I know, that this is my fault but HOW could I bear hurting her? Sorry, to all of you, I'm truly serious: I don't understand it. And I feel like a loser, so stupid, because I'm writing all this and repeat myself and seem (or am?) so lost about all this...but the final feelings are:

I.don't. want. to. be. a. daughter and: I'm such a bad person because I can not give what she (them) wants. This makes me want to give up, really. I'm so sorry if somebody is annoyed with my text, but I truly need some thoughts. Thank you.