I feel like I'm not even human anymore

I'm going through a severe crisis and I honestly see no sign of relief. What got me to this point is an awful, life consuming relationship that lasted my whole 20s and left me completely isolated. It exploded spectacularly and then dragged on in two more years of living together in absolute hell. She had cheated and gaslighted me and I completely disintegrated. I'm ashamed of what happened after and my behavior but she was insanely brutal and mind destroying during that time as well. Yet, no one could let the other one go. I blamed myself for everything and thought I was the most evil person in the world until I told a girl I had a brief relationship with everything, painting myself in the worst way possible and she made it very clear that I was not to blame. I'm not saying that to absolve myself from my shitty behavior but to make clear that I tore myself apart for it long enough and that I understand now that I am not the evil person I took myself for for so long.

Nevertheless, all this left me in a place from which I see no way back. I started therapy after an insane breakdown during which I lost the first good thing that happened to me and didn't sleep for a month. After I initially felt relief for really admitting I have a problem and getting rid of the guilt I felt towards my ex and stabilized due to being able to sleep again, everything crashed down insanely again.

I don't feel heard anywhere. Therapy feels like I'm too stubborn or too bad at putting my feelings into words for things to get through to me or to actually feel like I'm heard. I can't tell anyone else how bad it really is and it makes me feel more isolated and hopeless.

I feel like I have not become a person, like I have missed my whole life. I am stuck unemployed with an unfinished PhD in a city I hate. My job prospects look dire despite being in a decent field with decent education. I'm 31, the last 3.5 years were completely wasted and the years before also. I haven't felt ok since I don't know when, probably never.

I'm going to keep going to therapy but all I can think about is thinking about what I let myself happen to me and it makes me just want to stop. I feel like I've given up, there is nothing in me that sees a way out and whatever I try, it just makes me feel more lost, alone and hopeless.