life story and how martial arts became my backbone for years

I started karate at 7 years old. I was a giddy small girl who only weighted about 40lbs at 7, i was introduced to karate by my babysitter who took karate classes along with her 2 sons, and I immediately became infatuated, watching them do the moves, watching everybody learn and fight, I sat there between the ages of 5 and 7 wanting to be just like them, and eventually my mom gave in, even though we couldn't afford it she got me started at that karate academy. iI learned quickly and was given the nickname "squeaky screetcher" Because my voice was extremely high pitched , and I would often squeak, squeal, and make small screams because everything startled me. Now 10 years later im a second degree black belt, going for my 3rd don in october. I've been doing tang soo do style karate for about 10 years now and im 17. I am the only teenage girl in the entire karate academy that has over two hundred students. However there are a few 12-year-olds, plenty of children and between 20 - 30 adult females (all but one over 30 and the younger one is 20 and i hate her with a burning passion, her existence annoys me). I have been the only teen girl for quite a while (years) so against norms, I have sparred the guys (adult and teen) in class almost every single day, 5 days, a week for 10 years which makes fighting my stongest suit, my next stongest would be my skill with chucks, ngl im probably the worst bo-staff user yall will ever see. I used to be a major karate loser I barley would go to tournaments in my lower belt days and the first tournament I went to I broke down crying halfway through my form because the arena was too loud and im extremely noise sensitive. (I know kinda pathetic, ik i was like 8 but cmon suck it up girl theres no pitty points in karate). I had been absent from this art for about a year during the 2020 time due to both COVID and academic struggles. However , when I returned to the same dojo i was given the option to pick up where i left off (solid red) or start from scratch but progress faster so it would just be a refresh, I decided to start back from scratch and do the refresh because I told myself this time I was not gonna lose. Ever.When I returned in the beginning of 2022 i kept that promise and worked my ass off. I went to classes 5 days a week from the minute, I got out of school until closing at 8:30pm, I helped volunteer teach extra classes until I became and instructor myself. Then eventually I went to a tournament in Connecticut and got my first placement as a solid red belt getting fourth place in sparring. Nowadays, I consider fourth place a failure for myself because I know I'm better than that and can work harder but in that moment 4 years ago i had gotten the first taste of winning , and I became addicted to it. Unfortunately for me, up until this past 2 years I had only been able to compete in 3 tournaments since returning to karate in 2021 because i had several health issues, deaths of friends, and 3 concussions (your girl loves falling down flights of stairs) but all of those tournaments I placed in (my 4th, and my first real wins, getting 1st in the whole division for forms, wepons, cmx, sparring for 2 tournaments) And is to be noted that during this kind of growth , my boss/master/school owner was a student of Leclerc ( If you don't know who he is, look it up) but my entire school worked under his affiliation at the time, and he had taught classes for us, looked up to him during evaluations and sparring seminars, and I'd had several 1 on 1 times with him, he was even the one to do the final granting of my black role. When the situation happened, it broke me when everything came out, something always seemed a little off about him. He seemed too perfect, like there's always something missing from the picture and we finally were able to understand why. But after my school left his affiliation i grew more because now I needed independence from everyone. I worked harder than before, was in and out of psych wards, dealt with separated toxic parents, SH, SA, mental issues, attempts, life was not kind and things only got worse and honestly, I did too, but the breaking point was the death of my best friend, i had lost friends before but not one like this.I became angry and violent. During drills I would kick and punch too hard knowing I was hurting my partner, during sparring the goal wasnt to win for me, it was to hurt the other person and i did. I began to fight dirty and was getting caught up in a bad crowd the ages of 13 - 14 (the beginning of being 14) was NOT my time to shine. the beginning of my sophomore year things changed though, I was still friends with troubled kids and still struggled with bad addictions myself, but I realized that I couldn't be a troublemaker, a loser, a nerd (yes i was smoking, hanging out with druggies, and getting straight A's at the same time, you cant be ugly and dumb) and bad at karate all at once, so i decided to get my act for karate together at least. I locked in, got better, stopped doing drugs, hung out with better kids, and became known as "a absolute wild card" you never knew what youd get today, either a good girl, or a menice. But I continued to grow, and within the past 2 years I have gotten several grand champion trophies, 22 medals, been on the podium every tournament i went to, and never lost. I'll admit im a mess, im 17, 5'1 166lbs, i do smoke cigs or vape every noe and then, but i also get good grades, dont sneak our, dont drink, have only about 4 friends, have 2 jobs, passed the hardest year of school while spending 2 months this year in a psych ward and now its 6am, i havent slept at all in 2 days, im running off of spite and energy drinks but its alright because im winning right now. and never once did i quit. this story isnt for attention or pity, i hate pity so much it annoys me. im sharing this story because I know out there is a kid similar to me, a kid who cant be good or bad, a kid whos angry at the world, a kid whos exhausted but wont quit, a kid whos scared that they will have gone through hell just to fail in the end. im making this story so they know they arent alone. because when you picture a black belt, its usually a tall, strong, fit white or Asian guy or girl who goes to the gym, works hard and lives a nice life. but in this case this black belt is a 5'1 biracial troubled girl who isnt skinny, loves McDonald's fries, trains like its the end of the world and just may smoke a little weed. in the end of the day, were all black belts. the only thing different about us is the path it took to get to when we are now and what we went through to get the belt.