While dating a girl (I'm also a girl), I suddenly developed internal homophobia and I don't know what to do with it and I'm afraid that it will lead to a breakup.

I'd like to say right away that I'll be telling this story through a translator, as I don't speak English. Unfortunately, my ethnicity won't support me and most likely won't understand me. I've never posted in such communities and hope I'm following the rules. Forgive any mistakes. Please don't pass me by, please advise.

I'll start from the beginning. Ever since childhood, I knew something was wrong with me. I didn't think much about boys, and I didn't feel attracted to any of them in elementary school or kindergarten. Yes, there were crushes, and casual relationships, too. But nothing serious ever came of it. But I always knew I was attracted to women. I realized that I was much more attracted to women's breasts and physiques than men's. I always found it easier and more enjoyable to imagine myself with a woman, to gaze at beautiful girls, and to be more attracted to them. In my early teens, I began masturbating, first to gay men. It's weird, but at that age I really loved reading gay fanfiction and manga, and I was obsessed with it. After that, I couldn't get into gays at all. The porn I watched was either straight, focusing entirely on the women's emotions and looks, or lesbian porn (but rarely). Later, when my peers started dating guys, I dreamed of a relationship with a girl.

I never denied that I could fall in love with a man. There was once a period when I pined for my best friend because of a sudden crush I had. But it quickly subsided, and I developed a crush on another classmate. But that period was even shorter. And then, in high school, I met her.

Let's call her Ava. When I got to high school, my two friends were in Class A, and I was in Class B. So I always went to their office, where I met Ava. I'll label them for convenience. My two friends: Tina and Chad. New friends: Nicole, Dominica, and Ava. I'm a fairly outgoing person, so I quickly became friends with these three. From September until winter, I became very close with Ava. Back then, she seemed like a very sweet, beautiful girl, and I couldn't get enough of talking to her. Ava is very tactile, just like me. So, during all the breaks and every possible encounter, we were constantly hugging, which brought laughter and jokes from the other friends. And soon we formed one big group, chatting and communicating.

I developed feelings for Ava in the fall and they developed rapidly. But the worst part was that I was dependent. I knew my feelings weren't mutual. Although I began to doubt them when Ava made increasingly crude jokes and made advances toward me, paying me lots of compliments. And then she kissed me. I didn't understand what it was, but my heart was doing somersaults. We continued to kiss occasionally, we both thought about it, and in July, we slept together. It was my first time, and even though I enjoyed it, I felt used. Ava couldn't call it sex, just "exploring each other." She didn't talk about her feelings and acted as if it was normal for friends to have sex. But that same summer, I confessed, and she asked me out.

Even though Ava is a difficult person and it took me an incredible amount of effort and work to get her to talk about her feelings and desires, I was happy. This is my best relationship, and I knew I was truly in love. After all, compared to all my previous crushes, my love for Ava is ten times greater.

Because of a terrible family and a domineering mother who beat Ava as a child and still overprotects her, Ava adopted the victim-child model everywhere. During my single-person crush, she often treated me terribly. She told me how lonely she was and that everyone had abandoned her, even though I was always there for her, constantly listening and wiping away her tears. But don't get me wrong. Afterward, Ava dispelled all my doubts and made me believe that she truly loves me. She does everything for me; she's very gentle and loving, and she cares about me. I have no doubt about her feelings.

But the main problem began after my high school graduation. Ava went to another city to visit relatives for a few days, and during that time, it was as if I'd been doused with ice water. A terrible, crushing heaviness suddenly appeared in my chest. I felt really uneasy and bad inside. I had a clear feeling about our relationship, that something was wrong, that something was going wrong and something terrible was happening. I don't know how to explain it, I was just struck by how bad things suddenly became. And when I met Ava after my arrival, this feeling intensified. You see, it was as if I felt a rejection towards her, although everything had been fine before. We went into her apartment and I lost my composure. I started crying and tried to explain through my tears and snot what was wrong. I said I didn't understand what was happening to me and why. It just felt like my entire being had begun to reject Ava. We both became hysterical. I cried for a very long time and couldn't stop, and Ava couldn't either. And when it was all over, this feeling was gone! It disappeared and I felt so relieved. I apologized to Ava for making her worry and for not really explaining anything. I kissed her and prayed that this terrible feeling in my chest would never come back.

I told my other close friend, let's call her Britney, everything. I told her that I'd noticed for a long time, from the very beginning, that I had a strange perception of sex. When I thought about it just to masturbate, everything was fine, but when I imagined sex with myself, I didn't feel so good. And when I realized that something would happen with Ava, I had a feeling akin to disgust. I don't know how to explain it. It was as if something inside me was telling me that I shouldn't do this, that it was wrong, that it was disgusting. And if this used to be a lot, it subsided over time. But I still have the feeling that sometimes I think about something like this with Ava, and I still have a slight veil of this very feeling. It's like I don't want to. BUT. When the process itself happens, the feeling disappears. The arousal, the desire, the orgasms - all of that is there, but the feeling of some kind of disgust was always there before it began. I'm not saying that it's specifically because of Ava. I love her very much, and I always enjoy being with her, sleeping with her. I used to think that maybe, in my subconscious, I hadn't fully accepted my homosexuality (in my country, it's illegal and frowned upon). What if this feeling is because I have a certain homophobia? Sometimes I'd have thoughts that I'm terrible because of my orientation, that nothing serious would work out between a woman and a woman, and so on. I don't know, it's as if my feelings are being de-structured. I'd have these really scary thoughts. Out of the blue, I started wondering if I really should be in this relationship, if I'd really be happy, if I'd be comfortable living with her. I don't understand why it happened so suddenly. Before, I'd calmly imagined how we'd live together, our daily life, how we'd have children, how we'd move in together. Everything was perfect. And then this, where did it come from?

Finally, I started thinking further. And then it somehow turned into a feeling of something wrong. I'm afraid to say this; I didn't say it directly to Ava, but I'll tell you everything. I started wondering if I loved her less? Maybe I'm making the wrong choice? What if I'm really destined to date some guy, and my relationship with Ava will lead nowhere.

That meeting after she arrived changed everything. It was like I was suffocating myself with a feeling that SOMETHING WAS WRONG, SOMETHING WRONG! But where did it come from? Everything was fine. And no, it wasn't disgusting, not uncomfortable, just like that.

I felt so bad about this feeling, this intolerance in my soul, that I started thinking I'd have to break up with Ava. That if this feeling didn't go away, I'd probably have to break up with her. And now I start crying every time I think about it. How is that possible? How was everything fine for almost a year, and now this crap has happened? What's wrong, what's happening to me? I really don't understand. I really don't understand why. But it's so hard for me. I love Ava very much, I don't want to part with her at any cost.

After Britney's reprimand and support, I felt better. She said that such things happen sometimes and I just have to wait it out. Soon I'll be moving to another city, facing adulthood, new responsibilities, and that's why my mind is starting to panic. Maybe it plays a role because I have an anxiety disorder and occasionally self-harm to ease the burden of my thoughts. The feeling of heaviness has stopped appearing so intensely when I'm with Ava. But it hasn't gone away completely. Sometimes it surfaces, and I feel incredibly heavy again. And then it disappears, and everything is fine.

But recently, even more terrible thoughts have started to haunt me. I feel so ashamed in front of Ava for them. I feel like I'm a terrible person. After all, why do I keep thinking that I need a man? I started to wonder if I'm destined to be with a guy, get married, and have children. I've become a little envious of those girls who have boyfriends. After all, they know what it's like, and I don't. They can easily start dating someone and be open about it, because that's normal. It's normal, but not being bisexual and lesbian. It's normal to fall in love with guys and move in with them. It's normal to love a penis and a big back. But I'm not normal. Now I feel dirty. I feel like I shouldn't be dating Ava, like this is all wrong and I'll stop loving her. What if I'm slowly losing my love for her? I'm so scared. I'm tired of crying when the weight suddenly hits me. What if it doesn't work out? What if she starts changing and irritating me? What if I can't sleep with her anymore? I can't find peace.

Yes, Ava often irritates me. But it's impossible to find a partner who doesn't irritate me. It's impossible to find the perfect person. I dream that this strange feeling will go away and I'll stop thinking. I just want to love Ava and continue being with her. But what about me? Why have I started having thoughts about breaking up, about needing a boyfriend? Everything was going well all year, I was confident in my love and relationship. Could everything really change so much in one day?

I think my internalized homophobia plays a role. Maybe if I were born in a country where same-sex relationships are legal and not discussed, I wouldn't have these thoughts. Maybe I'm paranoid? Britney tells me to suppress these thoughts, because I'm just afraid of the future and overthinking it.

While texting Ava, I started catching myself thinking that she sometimes irritates me. What if I can't live with her and have to leave her? She notices that something's wrong with me. But I'm afraid to talk to her. Today I told her I cried again and had even more thoughts. She burst into tears, and now I don't know what to do.

When we see each other in real life, everything is fine. And then this heaviness and terrible thoughts wash over me again. What should I do? Is this normal? Will this pass? I don't want to break up. What if I make the wrong choice and regret it terribly if I leave her? I can't imagine life without Ava. Please give me advice. I don't know where else to turn for help.