I 24F feel so stupid for believing all his 26M excuses

I think what hurts the most is not even the breakup anymore. It's realizing that maybe all those reasons were only for me.

For an entire year, every time I wanted to do something together, there was always an excuse. No budget, no time, I need to study, I have job switch pressure, i don't want to travel abhi etc etc. i suggested travelling many times telling him it's okay, I will take care of expenses, he can return later if he feels bad about it. Even goa and other places, I mentioned like i don't know how many times. Even simple things like bowling, mystery rooms, even those were just discarded with excuses. Relationship was going through fights and differences but i was trying to make it work. So so many excuses and i believed every single one of them. Even before going on this "indefinite break", when things were still okay, i told him let's go to goa, his reasons- same - nothing in goa, it's expensive, i have been twice already and i don't want to go again.

In this indefinite break, he said he wanted to stay alone, do self healing, he told me clearly, i really want to stay alone, not with you, not with my friends. And within 3 weeks on that break, His friend's insta story - goa and yeah, he is with them. Just on a friends trip. Just 3 of them. 2 guys and 1 girl.

So now suddenly there is money.

Suddenly there is time.

Suddenly there is energy.

Suddenly there is no stress.

The part that hurts isn't that he went to Goa.

It's that I spent an entire year believing the obstacles were life. Now it feels like the obstacle was me.

He just didn't want to have shared experiences with me.

And i feel like shit. I ended up calling him names and blocked him.

After asking for indefinite break, barking at my face saying how he wants to be alone, he called me after one week of complete silence telling me how we should normalise checking on each other even during break and i was stupid enough to get ghosted again. And now he is having the time of his life in goa.

This feels too much. I was always an option for him. Someone he was comfortable having around but not someone wanted to be with.

I hope one day I stop replaying every single excuse in my head.

Edit - we both are in our mid 20s, working.