Difficulties with predestination and Calvanism.

Hello, I'm struggling very heavily with the concept of predestination and it's ruining my faith.

I always believed that Adam sinned, broke the world making everyone predisposed to sin, thus Christ died to offer a way to be forgiven of our sins and reconciled to God. So salvation is: Hear the gospel, choose to put your faith in Christ, believe Jesus rose from the dead, repent, call upon Christ's name, and then try you best to do better and obey God out of gratitude for the gift he gave you.

I was trying to grow closer to God and so I was listening to Christian podcasts and sermons and I encountered Calvanism. I at first brushed it off, but it gave me doubt about my salvation and about who God was.

I've since read Romans and John and read quite a few calvanists so I know the basics of it and it seems to be bad news rather that good news. As if God is saying "Most of you I made for hell so that I may be glorified by punishing you, but these few I actually love I will let sit on my shoulder and watch you burn and there is nothing you or they can do about it." And I know those are very harsh words and an over simplification but that seems to be the gist of it. You're either damned or saved and God picked which one you were before Adam drew his first breath. It's all divine fiat. I always thought that there was a real choice, that God draws people and presents himself to you and the you can accept his offer or reject it. That his foreknowledge was simply him knowing what you would choose not making the choice for you.

And Clavanists seem so sure of themselves to the point that there is even a term for the new ones called "Cage stage" they are so hyper about it, but I've been trying to find how you could possibly know and most say "if you believe and want it God's already drawn you, reprobates don't do that" yet Jesus seems to disprove that, In the parable of the wedding feast a guy goes in and is sitting at the table, he wants to be there, but because he is not dressed in the proper clothes he is thrown out and he then says many are called but few are chosen.

The other indication I see people throw out is that salvation leads to a transformed life which James seems to support when he says "I will show you my faith by my works" But Jesus also says that many will say to him Lord Lord did we not cast out demons and do many great works in your name? (They also apparently want to get in so another strike against the first proof). And he casts them out too, so it can't simply be a legitimate desire and evidence of works and your heart is said to be deceitful above all else so you can't count on simply a feeling to be sure you're elect. So how can anyone have assurance when there will be people that think they are Christian but aren't and never even had the chance to be?

I've also read a bit of Hebrews which states that one can in fact be a full Bible believing Christian and turn away back to his sins, which would imply there is a choice at least for the redeemed, but then Paul says they are not of us because if they were of us they would have stayed with us and it's all so confusing.

So I'm left here just wondering what's left to me? I believe Christ is the Son of God and rose from the dead but demons do too. I want in, but everyone wants heaven when the alternative is hell. I try to obey God but every day is a struggle and I have to force myself into obedience while I've read many calvanists preachers state that good works come naturally and aren't difficult for the redeemed so...

Do I cut my losses? Accept that in either option I have no choice and try to enjoy what little pleasure is offered to me as a reprobate before judgment? After all if I am saved I'll somehow be pulled back into faith as it's not me making the choice as grace is irresistible under TULIP.

The other option is forcibly deny myself under the hope that maybe I am saved and risk being turned away and at which point I've thrown away the only comfort I might have had in this life trying to obtain a prize that was never mine to have.

I feel such despair, I fear that the God I've been worshiping and loving wasn't real. All my prayers have fallen on deaf ears and the real God has never loved me, like Esau he has hated me and withheld his grace from me for no other reason that his good pleasure, and he has allowed me to persist in this delusion for his glory and the benefit of those he actually loves.