A message I wrote for my Mother.

(Just to clarify. My Father and My siblings Father are 2 seperate people.)

I have a deep seeded hatred.

Mother. I have a deep seeded hatred. For the longest time I confused it with a hatred for the world. But no. It's hatred for you.

I have spent the last decade wandering. Doing my best to survive without your support because I've cut you out of my life. Because I realized who you truly were. You will claim to be my Mother, and yes I reffered to you as Mother here. But in all honesty you don't deserve that title. What did Eminem say? 

“Every child deserves a parent. But not every parent deserves a child.” lyrics from his song “Cleaning out my closet”

And honestly. That's what this is. Me. Cleaning out my closet.

Do you know what it's like not even being able to make sense or trust your own memories anymore? To sit there and think back and question everything? Because I do. Because You manipulated so much that I can't be certain of what is genuine and what is genuine anymore. I cannot trust any good memories from my childhood because, well, I cannot trust you.

My first vivid memory comes from when I was 4 years old. I remember waking up and excitedly asking where Dad was, and asking to see him or to speak to him. And after about an hour you finally gave in and called him for me. Or did you?

See the reason I cannot trust that memory as genuine anymore is because when I was about 20 I received a nice Lil packet from father. You are probably wondering what's in the packet? Or more likely if you are reading this you rolled your eyes and huffed. Either way. That packet was a nice packet of receipts. Emails, texts you name it, he had it. All the times I had let Dad know about an event he might want to be present for, you went behind my back, said some of the nastiest shit ever to him and made him too scared to be a part of my life.

Not only that. You manipulated me and weaponized me against him. Caused irreparable damage that to this day is still holding our relationship at bay. You convinced me over and over how much of a piece of shit he was, how he never made any attempt to be a part of my life. How you urged me to jump into University straight out the gates NOT to get an education, but to strongarm a couple more years of child support payments out of him. All the while you were the reason he wasn't making attempts to be part of my life.

That brings me to my next point, you were a fucking hypocrite. For years you kept saying the same thing. Let my siblings figure out who their father was on their own and to develop their own opinion of him. All the while you never once gave me so much as the same fucking courtesy to develop my own personal relationship with my own father! And don't worry I will get to that absolute piece of shit you call your ex husband. Don't you fucking worry about that.

Before I get to that however. Let's next talk about your neglect. I don't know if it was fear, denial, or embarrassment that drove you. But you denied getting me help when you were told to do so by the school system. They recognized I was different, shared their concerns and recommended you get me help. And what was your response? To tell them to Go. Get. Fucked. And you know the worst part about that? All the bullying I suffered as a result is on your hands as much as those assholes at school. However, unlike you. I extend my forgiveness to my former pupils.

But that's not where this ends. Oh no. You also failed to get me Therapy when I needed it the most. You kept disregarding my needs. Kept asking me “What the fuck is wrong with you??” But you already knew. You just decided to further use it for your own gain. For your own malicious manipulation.

I coulda been a lifeguard ya know. Of course you did! You removed me from the swimming program when they extended the offer for the training to me. Then gaslight me! “Oh you wanted to drop out!” Ice skating? I was doing fine, passing every stage. Of course I have one accident, one hospital trip and that was your opportunity. “It's dangerous. You split your chin open! You were too traumatized to return!” The worst part about all of this? You acted like I was lazy when I was a teenager because I watched video games. Like I was crazy for not playing sports. Newsflash! You removed me from every opportunity I had in sports! I had no motivation to want to play them anymore!

I still haven't gotten to the abuse. It's a lot to unpack. But there's also some other minor things. Like how for literal years I smelt of cigarettes daily thanks to living with our grandparents. Know what it's like being told daily at school that you stink despite showering? Of course not. You had all that fancy stuff that made you smell nice and masked the scent. Meanwhile all I had was cans of axe body spray you kept throwing my way.

Which brings me to my next point. Part of this is I suppose neglect and part of this is jealousy. And I guess In comparison to literally everything else it's minor and irrelevant as its may or may not have been fully in your control. But hand me down. Literally my entire wardrobe was hand me downs from my Grandfather and my uncle. The only time I was ever given clean brand new clothes was fucking Xmas. Literal years of watching my siblings get cool new shit, toys etc. And all I ever got was clothes. I now know why I resonated so much with the Harry Potter books. I literally felt like Potter at times. Unfortunately for me I never got a letter delivered by an owl. I never got some hidden away inheritance. Mine was a sad reality. Sure I got the occasional game here and there. But I didn't know what my actual shoe size was until recently because of the many years of hand me down shoes! It was so bad one year one of my classmates had to give me his spares. And I wore those until they were borderline duck tape. Meanwhile here you were spending hundreds on my siblings to participate in the shit you pulled me out of! Nah fuck my oldest who needs shoes, my youngest needs a new hockey stick!!

….. At least they got to enjoy the things I was denied. At least they have more and better opportunities. I don't know why you neglected me. But I'm happy that my siblings got to enjoy what I never got the chance to. Why I was Happy with my clothes and my shitty shovelware games…. Because my neglect meant there profit.

And before I move on. Yes. Yes you did get me that Xbox 360. But I also remember you repeatedly saying you regret it. Saying you never shoulda bought it. The one gift I was grateful for the most and you acted like it was the plague…. Ironic.

We have finally reached the part we have all been waiting for. The abuse! Where oh where should I start! And oh don't worry. You are just as fucking guilty as your ex husband!

I've theorized over the years. The abuse only stopped because he turned the abuse onto you. After all, You allowed him to set alarms on my doors. You allowed him to exploit me for free child labor at the farm. You allowed him to invade my privacy and rip apart my room every single fucking day! You allowed the abuse. It was in front of you the whole time. I suspect the only reason you divorced him was because he turned his abuse on you. And you once again used me as your escape ladder. But of course that's just speculation. And I know damn well you will never fucking admit to it if its true.

 Because playing the victim is what you do best!

Nonetheless. You never knew the full extent of the abuse. You only knew about the hitting. The black eye he gave me by beating me with the copy of “Harry Potter and Order of the Phoenix”. The few times he slammed his foot onto my rib cage after throwing me onto the concrete floor. Or the Time he broke my Femur with his bare hands (An estimated requirement of between 900 Lbs or 400 KG of force MINIMUM needed to do that btw)

What you didn't know was all the times he prodded me with a pitchfork. The time he threatened to break my neck. The time he stood over me with a live chainsaw. Bet you never found out about the time he choked me unconscious. Or the time he threw me from a speeding tractor and left me injured in the field.

That's just the physical abuse. I went to bed hungry on the nights you weren't home. I wasn't allowed to be creative, the few times I did make something creative? I was accused of plagiarism! At 10! I got beat for asking if I could go to a camp to learn how to be a firefighter. I was sat down at the kitchen table and forced to write stuff over and over until my wrist hurt. Funny, another Harry Potter event I can relate to! “I must not tell lies!” I believe. Ever been forced to tie someone else's shoes/boots? Let's not Forget the hours upon hours upon hours of forced labor I was subjected to do on my bare knees with no gloves or protection to pick up piles upon piles of quartz pebbles. That took me a literal month. And I never finished it.

The worst part of the abuse. Wasn't the fact I could die at any moment. It wasn't the fact that I felt no one cared. It was that I felt helpless to do anything when he started on my little brother. A kid so young he doesn't have any memory of it thank fucking god.

I cannot forget the memories of him beating my Lil brother. Not even out of diapers. Not even potty trained. I can't get the Screech my brother made when he used the back of my brother's head to cave in that wall. Bet you he told you afterwards he just tripped and hit the wall right? No, what hurts me the most about all that is that I feel like I failed. I failed as an older brother to protect my younger sibling because I was laying on the ground trying to recover from my own beating. Why do you think I grew up Liking Wolverine, Punisher, Shadow, Leon, Dante and Ichigo. Why today I still follow that trend with Deku and Naofumi?

Why do you think Gordon Ramsay was my hero in real life?

And I didn't even get Justice. Somehow the court never gave him jail time. Somehow my brother grew up thinking his father was hot shit. I had to watch as he got away Scott. Fucking. Free.

Now. Now we move onto your abuse. How you mocked me for wanting to be a chef like Ramsay. How you always played the victim card. How you manipulated so much into trying to get me to get a high paying job and bragged about it to your friends you claimed you didn't have that you were gonna get to retire early because I would take care of you once I got that big job.

Fuck! That!

And Fuck! You!

I left out the fact where I reached out to you for help and you tried to convince me to put my cat down. Or the fact you forced your help onto me when I rejected it because I was trying to be independent. Or the fact you stole money from me!

You now have the family convinced I don't appreciate anything you did. Like you did anything outside the bare fucking minimum.

The aftermath of all this? Years of depression and hatred. I cannot leave doors unlocked anymore. I cannot go anywhere without carrying some form of protection on me. I now struggle with some of the most basic social skills and I self sabotage when I think things are going to be too good for me! I turn down opportunities because I'm exhausted. I have spent almost my whole life kicking and screaming and fighting for my survival.

And I struggle to let in some of the most genuine love. Because I've never felt it. And I panic.

So I hope you're happy. I hope you're proud. Wear that badge of parenthood with honor and pride!

Because I resent you. I hate you. You never did anything for me when it mattered the most and you ruined many opportunities for me. Then left me to deal with my own Trauma and undiagnosed Autism for years.

Don't expect me to be at your funeral. And don't fucking come to mine if I die first.