UGHHHHHHHH how to i cope with jealousy!?!? I thought i was more mature than this but it’s FUCKING with me. My chest! Idk what’s wrong with it. It’s screaming out loud and it makes me ache.

Ok to preface, i have like, 2 friends. Only one is relevant for the sake of this post. 

I made new Friend. This is good! They don’t hate me. Cool. They, frankly, are beautiful. They go out and *do* things. They meet people! They have other friends. I don’t want to be in a romantic or physical relationship with them, they are hundreds of miles away and honestly i think they’d kill me in real life, but i flirt with them and they accept it. But i can’t remember if they have ever like, complimented me. I don’t think so. I think that’s bad.

Seeing Friend gets me jealous. A lot. They have a drive that i don’t have. They are confident and get attention and i just got updates that’s they’re having sex with 3 other trans women at THREE AM. Not explicitly, but being sent a photo like this after skimping on a planned gaming session to go on a date is. Telling.

Why am i like this? I don’t even want this? Do i? All this stuff feels like an ideal. Or some fantasy i built up in my head but waved away that it would never be real. But my friend is transitioning and going on dates and being in t4t foursomes and i yearn for the ability to do that! I wish i could do estrogen shots while naked cuddling other trans people. I wish i could transition and feel comfortable and learn to grow confident and might one day look at this THING in the mirror and think “I am beautiful.” But i cannot imagine a future like that. I’m so close to just. Dying here. Being truly a nobody, starting now. Just an idea of a person, and never the real thing anymore. Honestly i feel like that already. I’m not in a safe place to transition (parents would end financial support) or talk to people (racial minority in a place with gradually increasing ICE presence).

How do i make this aching stop. Should i cut them off? No fault of their own but im immature and it’s hurting me. 

I hope she doesn’t see this. It’d suck so bad to put a damper on “the greatest day of her life.”

How do i cope with jealousy (image related)