I don't think my dad realised what he taught me

I don't think my dad realizes what he taught me.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because this feels like the only place where I can just dump everything that's been sitting inside me for years.

It's nothing serious, I guess. I've just been carrying it around for so long that I started thinking it was normal. But recently, a friend pointed something out, and it kinda broke something in me. She asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said, "Nothing."

She looked at me and laughed at first, then got serious and said, "We've literally been friends since we were kids. I've never seen you actually ask for anything. Every time someone offers you something, you refuse."

And she's right. Another one of my friends is always like, "Bro, let me buy you this," or "I'll get you that," and my automatic response is always, "Nah, I'm fine. Save your money."

I never even realized how weird that was until they pointed it out.

Then I started remembering everything. When I was little, I loved Barbie dolls, teddy bears, cute toys... all that stuff. But I honestly don't remember my parents ever buying me those things just because I wanted them. Most of what I had was either gifted by relatives or passed down from my older siblings. I have an older brother and sister with a huge age gap around 11-12 and 9 years so most of my toys were basically leftovers from their childhood.

My dad was always really strict. My mom constantly used to say, "Don't do this or your father will get angry." I don't even know why she always said that, because I don't remember him yelling at me that much. Maybe it's because I was the youngest. Maybe I just don't remember. My childhood is honestly a blur. There are so many memories missing that it scares me sometimes.

One memory I do distinctively remember, though... I asked my dad for a bicycle because all my friends had one. Before buying it, he laughed at me in front of everyone.

"You've never even ridden a four-wheeled cycle properly and now you want a bicycle?"

I laughed too because... what else was I supposed to do?

The next day, he actually bought me one. I was so fucking happy. That night, he told me to go ride it. I was terrified because I obviously didn't know how. I fell once. Then again. The third time I fell, he got angry.

"Why did you even want a bicycle if you can't ride it?"

I genuinely felt guilty for asking. Not scared because I fell. Not embarrassed because people saw. Just guilty... because I wanted something. I wanted to cry so badly, but I knew crying would only make things worse. So I just said my leg hurt and I'd try tomorrow.

The next day, when he wasn't around, I took the cycle outside by myself. I fell over and over again. Scraped my knees. My hands. My elbows. Hit my head. But around 6 PM... I finally did it. I rode my bicycle without falling. I ran home, so excited to tell my dad. He just looked at me and said, "What's the big deal?"

That was it.

Another time I asked for a toy. His response? "What are you even going to do with it?" or "We'll buy you a better one later."

For context, we weren't poor. My family could afford things. But every single time I wanted something, it felt like I had to defend myself in court. I needed a reason. I needed to prove why I deserved it.

Eventually... I just stopped asking.

By 7th or 8th grade, I started buying my own books with money I'd saved. I was honestly proud of myself. I thought maybe my dad would be too. Instead, he just looked at me with that expression that made me feel so fucking small. So nervous. He didn't say anything.

Since then, almost every extra book I've bought has been with my own money. And honestly? That's okay. Books I can buy. School fees, though... I can't. Every time I have to ask my dad to pay my school fees, I feel weird. It's literally his responsibility as a parent, but somehow I still feel guilty asking.

All my school paperwork, admission forms, documents... I've learned to do everything myself. And yeah, students should learn those things, it's pretty normal. But sometimes I see other parents helping their kids without being asked reminding them about deadlines, making sure everything's okay and I wonder what that feels like.

My sister used to do all of that for me. She looked after me more than anyone else. Then last year, she got married against my family's wishes.

Now she's gone. And the worst part? She's alive. I know she's alive. But I'm not allowed to talk to her. I'm not allowed to meet her. Knowing someone you love is still out there, but not being able to freely call them or hug them... that's another kind of pain entirely. I miss her so fucking much.

When I was a kid, both my siblings always protected me. If something happened, they'd take the blame. They stood between me and everything that was scary. Back then, I genuinely thought, These people are mine. My safe place. My brother especially... because of our age gap, I almost saw him as another father when I was little.

Now? We barely talk. We're completely different people. We just... share the same house. I still love him, but it's fucked up. The person who once felt like my safest place now feels like a stranger I just happen to live with. And my sister... well, she left. After that, everything just feels like it's been falling apart.

Sometimes I wish I just had someone I could hug and cry my heart out to. But even asking for a hug feels like I'm asking for too much.

My birthday is this week. A few days ago, I went shopping with my dad because he wanted to buy a birthday gift for my sister in law. Her birthday is almost a month after mine. I helped him pick out colors, the dress, everything. Then my mom casually said, "You're buying a gift for your daughter-in-law whose birthday is weeks away, but you don't even remember your own daughter's birthday."

He hesitated, but then immediately said he remembered.

Maybe he did. Maybe he didn't. But I could see it on his face. Honestly... I don't even want a gift anymore. That's not what hurt. What hurt me was realizing that it didn't even surprise me.

People ask me why I always say I'm okay with anything. Why I never ask for gifts. Why I always refuse when people offer me things. And I think I finally know why.

Because somewhere along the way, asking for things started making me feel guilty. Like wanting something automatically made me a burden.

Sometimes my dad acts affectionate now, like everything's normal. And instead of feeling loved... I just feel irritated. It makes me angry. It makes me feel confused. Sometimes my anger gets so overwhelming that it even scares me. I've had awful dreams about him, and I wake up feeling guilty and shaken because that's not the kind of person I want to be. I don't know what to do with all this resentment except keep carrying it.

I guess I'll probably get judged for saying all this. Maybe people will think I'm ungrateful. Maybe they'll say other people have it worse. Maybe they're right. But this is still my life. And this shit still hurts.

Half an hour ago... My dad came into my room. He asked, "So... what do you want for your birthday?"

Without even thinking... I js smiles and said, "Nothing."

Maybe that's the saddest part of this entire story.

If you actually read all of this... thank you. Really. I just needed someone to hear me. And I hope one day, saying "I want..." doesn't feel so fucking difficult anymore. ❤️‍🩹