I feel like a spectator in my own life

Around 2 years ago I was essentially abandoned by my closest friends, people I would have considered my own brothers, in the most sudden way possible. Not long after, my girlfriend cheated on me, and I just took it on the chin and got on with my life. I won’t lie and say it wasn’t hard, but I think my sense of anger and betrayal probably buried the pain and anguish I was feeling, and it let me continue my life as if nothing had happened.

It’s only very recently, within the last 6-8 months(ish) that I’ve begun to realise the effects this all had on me. I don’t talk to anyone, or attend any social gatherings. My ADHD that used to be manageable was dialled up to 11, causing my escapist tendencies to balloon to epic proportions. Nowadays, finishing a new book series, videogame, or any form of media that I immerse myself in is enough to send me into a period of almost crippling sadness and aimlessness. Reading in particular used to be a massive hobby of mine, and I feel like it’s been warped and twisted into a crutch for me to deal with my shitty life. Now I throw myself into it 24/7 to try and live vicariously through these amazing characters that seem to always have people that care about them, or excel in some way.

My previously social tendencies have declined, to the point that holding a conversation can sometimes feel tiring or like a chore. Sometimes even with my own family. I neglect almost all my responsibilities, including my full-time university course. And it makes finding a job feel like an insurmountable task.

I don’t feel like I can even talk about my feelings with those closest to me, that being my family, without feeling like a burden or nuisance to them, even if they wouldn’t see me that way. It’s also never been easier for me to cry or get angry than it has these last few months, or even the last year.

I know it’s unrealistic to live like this, but honestly it just feels easier than trying to work on myself and my broken life. I’m unsure what to do to get better, how to convince myself it’s worth it, or if I even do want to improve to begin with. Part of me thinks wasting away like this would be better for everyone—including myself.

Anyways, I’m thankful for anyone that took the time to read this. I guess sharing on the internet with strangers was easier than trying to talk about it in real life.