I really hate life

Before I vent, I do have professional help. I'm just going through a really shitty phase atm.

I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. Like I'm neither here nor there. I've been in a depression for the last 2 weeks, and I hate it. I'd rather being anxious over depressed; because when I'm depressed, I don't know what I'm feeling or what I need and it's uncomfortable.

Nothing has been joyous to me in years. Nothing. Every year, I become more and more isolated. Life just feels like its the same shit every single day, no matter what I do differently.

Sleep > wake up > work > come home > shower > sleep > repeat.

Why? Fucking why? Life never sucked this much pre covid. I loved it. I had lots of friends (not great ones though), I was out having fun, I enjoyed my job at the time, l travelled heaps. Now? I don't get off my couch unless I need to work or see family.

I'm so socially fucked up now. I hate talking to people. I hate people in general. I hate existing. I genuinely want to just sleep in a dark room for the rest of my life.

Even if I try and give myself a dopamine hit by looking at flights to go travelling, it does nothing for me. I've lost interest in almost everything.

I just need someone to understand how I'm feeling. I feel so alone.