my only distraction causes my downfall

tldr at end!

hi everyone, 20F here with no diagnoses, but I’ve had passive SI since I was 13 and it’s gotten more intense lately.

I hate what capitalism does to people. The idea that you’re obligated to live even though you never asked to and do not want to, just to squeeze the labor is disgusting to me.

This summer I had my first job in a tourist shop, and it was soul-crushing. It honestly made me realize that I simply can’t do this. The cycle of work-and-home isn’t a life, it’s just staying employable until you die. I used to imagine potential futures of myself with a stable job that I could tolerate and I thought I’d be happy. But I haven’t felt that in a looong time now.

I don’t enjoy anything. I have one friend and a strained relationship with my parents. I have no hobbies that I enjoy, everything feels like a waste of time when I’m not good at it even though I’m aware you need practice. I think I just like the idea of being good at stuff rather than the actual craft.

Financially I grew up poor, we had a couple okay years, and now we’re sort of tight again, so I live frugally off scholarships and barely spend on anything but food during the semester.

Lately I’ve been passively researching methods. It’s impossible for me to find weapons or drugs in my country. There are some chemical stuff that I could look into. I don’t have the intention but I’ve never done detailed research like this so it feels different. I fantasize a lot abt the aftermath too… not glad per se but from an objective point of view, where would I do it without getting found before it fully happens, would I write a letter or not, what would happen to my stuff. Things like that.

Here’s the part that gets me: the only thing that reliably distracts my brain from doomscrolling is skincare/makeup research, hours of it, even though I think that whole industry is built on the same machine I despise, selling women insecurity as a product.

It’s consumerism managing the damage that consumerism (and everything adjacent to it) caused in the first place. It feels hypocritical, but it’s the only thing that distracts me right now even though I don’t have much money to spend on useless stuff.

Just wanted to write it out I guess…

TL;DR: 20F, passive SI since 13 and worsening, I despise capitalism. Brief job confirmed I can’t do the standard life loop, I don’t enjoy anything nor have the energy to try new stuff. Only distraction is skincare/makeup research despite hating the industry. Quite ironic but it’s the only thing that quiets my head.