Tired mother

Hey everyone.

37F.

I have not made any attempts. But I am downright depressed and in a very low part of my life. I do have a therapist but I am scared to tell her I think about suicide. I can talk about what's bothering me if poeple truly care. I just joined this group so I haven't has time to take in the dynamics yet. I made many attempts in the past.

If I did not have children to take care of, I would do it. They are the only reason I am breathing and writing this. But I think about it on an almost daily basis and I am scared to tell friends, family. My children do not see me cry. I don't let them see me show any kind of high emotions like anger or extreme sadness.

I have to talk to someone. I have to know someone gives a fuck. They are ages 15 and 13. Old enough to be home if I want to go for a walk or go to the mall for an hour. So finding time to myself isn't really an issue. Man oh man, I am having an awful time mentally. Suffering and putting on a smiling face adds more mental strain that I cannot handle.