depression

I am so alone, I feel so alone, I feel empty, yet angry and scared and sad. I stopped talking in depth about it to those around me because i fear being more of a burden than I already am, so lately ive just been keeping most of it to myself.
This loneliness and guilt is eating me up inside, I feel guilty for being alive, I feel guilty for being a burden to my friends. I feel like I just annoy people, and my mind convinces me that I do not matter to anyone, even though I know thats not true. But why do I know its not true and still feel so hopelessly alone? Why is my mind like this? I end up pushing people away, on top of mood swings I can barely control, and mistrusting the people I should trust the most.
I am so very scared, Im scared of the future, I am scared for my friends, for what little family I have left, and for myself.
I am not needed to anyone, beyond a couple cats, I am unimportant and unreliable. I have disappointed everyone around me, I lost someone who loved me deeply, all because of my own inaction, because of this stupid mind I have. I know I need help, I know I need to start taking my meds again, and I know I cant trust my own thoughts.
I dont even know why im typing this here, maybe i just needed to vent, i will probably delete this.