Do you even dream of raising a kid at this point?

Well im almost 19 so i dont think its completely over for me already, but dont you guys think that a lot of kids are lost in life because their parents dont teach them anything? Because they havent had a LIFE themselves.

And by life i mean like an actual active life that they enjoyed confronting and living out to do what they like to do.

If they spent it just hiding from stuff that scares them, going to school and back home, not getting seriously interested into anything, not many hobbies, barely any friends to have memories with, no projects started to remember, brain just idling to avoid stress... how would they know what joy is? and to also help their kid find it?

My parents are just working class people and i respect them for working to stay alive and feed me, but why did they even torture themselves like this and then leave me confused for so long? I thought their bleak life is all there is, and many times they pushed it onto me because of their own nihilism. I was called stupid many times for watching a lot of cartoons when i was little, but other than my TV there is just a white wall and whatever the other kids outside are doing, which i didnt care about.

You guys shit on the internet for making u this way but honestly im grateful to it, if it wasnt for the internet i would be in a way worse place. I learned so much from the internet.

Besides my parents still being competent enough to work and stuff, even that doesnt mean they are fine. They must have also lived very boring lives, being completely lost. And then one day they just decided to have kids, probably out of pressure. Its like an empty sad childhood still has its claws dug in deep and my parents cant recover from it. Work and family takes a lot of time from u and gives u stress anyway so u dont even have time to chill out.

so anyway im totally insecure in myself too, im not sure at this point if i could ever even imitate the kind of amazing fun life i shouldve had as a teen. I just have a job waiting for me now that im scared to take, walking in there as a no one.

i feel like im so behind. i feel like i know nothing. learning a thing on internet is one thing, actually living it out is another because wisdom only comes from life experience, you would know more about it if u lived it out doing it.

so how the fuck can i turn my life around at this point? i count 25 as that age where whatever you are really just sets in, 21 is what i count totally adult so 25 is just like no excuses to me. (try change my mind tho)

can i do anything meaningful in these few years?

thinking about what my hypothetical kids would think of me has made me embarassed of having no name for myself all these years, for the first time lol. i dont even care what society thinks of me or anyone else. but my kids? damn thats scary ngl

and i dont wanna keep a distance with my kids either, i wanna be emotionally available but i have nothing else to be honest about other than this sad life.

To all those that are over 20 here do you even have the capacity to enjoy things like an excited teen would? Is ur world grey? Do you feel more like an adult or teen? I always think about trying my luck to make friends again in my 20s but to me they all look like boring uncs who are too serious, either care too much about work or their love life, or are just total academic nerds, especially IRL people lol. I dont know how id make friends IRL so im thinkin of leading a double life, trying to make friends online instead.

Can i ever fix this empty hole in my life? If i stay miserable i wont even think about having kids, keeping them fed isnt enough. I dont wanna treat my kids like livestock. I mean as long as they are free to do what they want and i support them they should find their way in life right? But so much could go wrong still, and they can be still confused because some kids still need a figure to admire and follow, and its easier to trust in someone thats the closest to u like ur literal parent as an example.

Do you guys even THINK about kids at this point? The societal pressure is going to annoy me but id rather sit alone in an apartment with cats like a cat lady (or man in my case) rather than rush to finding a partner while im still confused and empty, and then to bring new life into this world that im responsible for.

I hope i can live happily raising myself cuz im fuckeddd. But crossing this out from my life makes me feel like i missed out on some big joy. What else would i do if not take care of a family? Whatever, probably not worth the thought at this point. I feel like id do a horrible job, i dont even feel like a person. I dont wanna make another depressed disconnected BORING family like this one.